This fairy tale has had its share of fire-breathing dragons, damsels in distress, and tangled forests. And to be honest? It probably will continue to. But that's okay...“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” Our tale?
Once upon a time we met in Summer 2011 at a church picnic. He fell head over heels. I was dating someone else. The photographer claims she knew it was coming...
I joined as a chaperone for the mission trip in Spring 2012, no longer in a relationship. Now I fall head over heels for this incredible spiritual leader. Who also has all the charm of, well, you know, Prince Charming.
So we work together,
We laugh together.
We serve together.
But life gets messy. Really messy sometimes.
We wonder if God is really calling us to play on the same team.
We ask for a little help from our friends... A lot of time, tears, grace, and growth. Dragons being beaten. Dark forests being traveled. And then one day... This.
He proposes. I say yes.
And we live happily ever after. Well, kind of. Because the goal of marriage isn't to be happy... It's to be holy. And to get to Heaven, where we'll be eternally happy. So we're on this journey together with the hope of a happily ever after.
The end. Just kidding. It's only the beginning. And I'm beyond grateful to be walking this path with this man whom I admire, respect, and love so deeply. What a gift. What an incredible joy and blessing from above. Thank YOU for your faithful friendship as a reader, for staying with me through the storms and sunshine. Please continue to do so, for I treasure you and love sharing life with you. Pray for us and know that I pray for you. Life is beautiful. "Every person's life is a fairy tale written by God's fingers." -Hans Christian Andersen [Originally published on Life is Beautiful]
When it comes to emotions and matters of the heart, Life suddenly becomes Very Complicated. I know, girls. I've been there.
Here's a few things I've learned along the way...no doubt I'll learn many new ones. I've a sneaking suspicion Life gets even more Complicated when it comes to the opposite sex as you get older. But here's some of the ones I've picked up so far.
Boys are very different from girls.
You'll rant and rave and burst into tears about it, but it's really better if you just accept the hopeless, unchangeable truth now.
Listening to slow love songs (and country songs) when you're feeling a bit neglected or heartbroken. Is. Always. A. Bad. Idea.
You'll probably do it anyways - because who doesn't love making themselves feel miserable? - but it's really not smart. It never makes anything better. Just makes you need a box of tissues and alllll the chocolate. So save the love songs when you're much more cheerful and full of pep and optimism.
Watching romantic movies. See above. Sobbing throughAbout TimeorPride and Prejudicewhen you're already heartbroken to begin with is just a baaaaaad idea.
That boy that you're over the moon about, the one you're imagining waiting for you at the end of the isle on your wedding day...you know, the one that makes your stomach flip flop and makes you happy? Chances are, as much as you don't want to hear it, you probably will be thinking "What was I thinking when I thought I liked him???" next year.
It's the way of life, sweet peas. We go through many stages - and crushes - in our lives. So all these hopes, disappointments, and tears will be a thing of the past. And that's okay.
Chocolate helps.
Always. Frozen yogurt or ice cream is excellent also.
If he asks you to dance, and you really want to, say yes.
If he doesn't ask, ask him.
It's a dance, not a marriage proposal. (This applies to platonic relationships also - if you'd like to dance with the boy and he's not a complete stranger, he'll probably say yes. If he doesn't, remember that you have the right to decline dances too...it's a free country. Don't be deeply offended.)
Your mother really does know best.
As much as it kills you to admit it.
When a guy says, "I have to go, but I'll talk to you later/I'll talk you later, okay?/ Ttyl!" it doesn't mean he's planning to text/call/finish the conversation later that day at a specific time.
Nope. It's just a casual form of "Goodbye, I'm sure we'll end up bumping into one another some time and then we'll have another fascinating conversation, but 'til then, cheerio!"
I know. I know. It took me at least three months to accept this one. And to stop checking my phone. Because "he promised to text/call/talk later, so he must have something important to say! Right??"
Nope. Sadly. Remember #1? Different as nightingales and cuckoos, I'm telling you. Run after God, not a boy - and then look around and see who is keeping up.
I'm the one who still has to be told that, even at 21...but it's so true, girls. We talk about love and families and the longing in our hearts and say "If only he liked me back", but I think we all realize deep down that we really want a good, strongman. One who is not only deeply rooted in his faith and his love for God, but is also a man who will encourage and help us on our walk of faith. I don't know about you girls, but I don't want a boy for that.
Andrew: I remember seeing Anna for the first time at the Adoration Chapel at the Catholic Church a few months after I committed to a 5:00 a.m. holy hour. I don’t know when it was though—sometime in the late summer or early fall of 2009. I remember praying at least once, “Why can’t I meet anybody who wakes up early to make a holy hour?’ I love telling people that we spiritually stalked each other a year before we met.
Anna: I signed up for a weekly 5:00 a.m. holy hour shortly after moving in August of 2009, and I noticed that Andrew was also there each Tuesday morning. I remember one morning at Adoration I was praying about my vocation and a quote popped into my head from a talk I’d heard: “If you’re looking for a spouse, run towards Christ, and then look around and see who’s running with you.” Picture this: when that quote came to mind I was sitting in the chapel with Christ in front of me and Andrew sitting right across the aisle… I immediately noticed him, but my response was “no, not him God, I don’t even know him.”
I was honestly was a little relieved when he stopped showing up that November. I figured I didn’t have to worry about him anymore.
Andrew: Even though our holy hour encounters ended when I moved in November 2009, I stayed involved with the Catholic Young Adult Group. Thus, we met formally in the summer of 2010 when Anna joined the group. Not long after, as the group discussed the Seven Sacraments, Anna caught my attention with a great talk on the Eucharist. She introduced me to the Adoro te Devote, the great prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas. Then we ended up on the leadership team together. I joined her at a midnight holy hour on New Year’s Eve and asked her out to see South Pacific. She said she already seen it. I awkwardly tried to ask her out for dinner, likely made a fool out of myself, and let the matter drop and kind of pretended it never happened. Me, overthinking just about everything, questioned the prudence of dating someone in the leadership of the young adult group. I used the excuse that it would create drama.
Anna: In my defense, it was about 2:30 a.m. when he asked me out (after holy hour, midnight Mass, and a game night with other young adults) and I wasn’t thinking well on my feet. Plus I was kind of surprised to be invited to the very same show I had just seen literally two or three days earlier with my family. I definitely liked him at this point and was half expecting him to ask me out, but given the situation I got kind of flustered and when he switched to asking about dinner I just said maybe. I expected him to try again, but when he didn’t after a couple weeks I figured I had lost my chance and we continued our friendship as if nothing had happened. In hindsight though, I’m glad we ended up with an extra few months before we started dating, as we really got to know each other well and had a strong friendship to build on later.
Andrew: That’s not to say I didn’t notice her. Anytime I was joking around at a leadership meeting, I noticed her trying to stifle a laugh. During a research trip/vacation, we emailed back and forth and at her suggestion, I made a visit to a Shrine in the area. She did scold me at one point for checking my email on my phone instead of enjoying myself. I’d be lying if I said the scolding didn’t put a smile on my face.
Nonetheless, I got a bit tunnel-visioned in my Lenten penance and then, it was May 2011. I was getting these impulses to ask her out again. Naturally, I took it to prayer; the thoughts of asking her out grew stronger. “Ok, fine,” I prayed, “I’ll try asking her out but if this one doesn’t work out, you’re going to have to come up with another plan because I’m done with this dating thing.”
The opportunity came up toward the end of May. One of the regular young adult events was the monthly “First Friday Fun”—an evening Mass followed by some activity. For June 2011, we were playing mini golf a few miles down the road from me. I knew Anna had started a new job that was closer to me than her place. I fired off a friendly email and asked her if she’d like to stop by for dinner and carpool to the mini golf place since parking is always a catastrophe. We both planned to go to Mass before work. Somewhat to my surprise, she said yes.
Anna: He initially asked if I’d like to carpool in person at a young adults group meeting. He didn’t mention dinner or say anything else at the time since we were part of a larger conversation, but I caught a look in his eye and wasn’t surprised when he followed up by email a few days later and offered to make me dinner before the mini golf trip. It was a casual dinner with good food and then we met up with the rest of the group.
Andrew: Through the month of June, we went to dinners and started spending time together. She taught me a great card came that she learned from her grandmother called “Kings in the Corner.” We got to know each other better. I had dated before, but never really clicked with anyone on a spiritual level. I wanted any relationship to revolve around vocational discernment. Marriage is a call from God. I wanted to be with someone who I could help grow spiritually, and who could help me grow as well. The more I got to know Anna, the more I was convinced that she was who I was looking for.
Anna: I was a bit stressed with moving that month, and Andrew was a wonderful support and listened to my venting more than once. He even took a day off from work to help me move, which also gave him a chance to meet my family. Sometime around then my parents also gave a talk on marriage for the young adults group which helped me to see the beauty of the married vocation and desire to discern it more fully with Andrew. I was praying about our relationship throughout that month and had the sense that God was drawing us together. Plus my sister was starting to nag me and ask when we would make it official.
Andrew: I asked her if she wanted to go up to the city for a surprise on July 3, 2011. The surprise was the rehearsal of the Capitol Fourth concert. This is the concert broadcast on PBS every Fourth of July. The rehearsal is missing just a couple things: the crowds and the fireworks. We went to dinner on Capitol Hill and walked down to the gate, only to be turned away—severe storms were rolling in. We debated a few moments on what to do—characteristically, neither of us were being decisive. We decided, ultimately, to head to shelter. We entered a parking garage just in time. It started pouring rain! We ended up playing cards on a picnic blanket on the garage floor. It was certainly a surprise, though not what I planned. Eventually we went home and watched a movie on St. Damien of Molokai that I had from Netflix, had a good discussion on dating, and we were official.
Anna: As part of that discussion he asked me: “true or false, dating is to marriage as seminary is to priesthood.” I said true. So we began our relationship with the understanding that we both saw it as a time of discernment and formation for marriage.
Andrew: We got into a routine of going to Mass together, praying together (particularly the Liturgy of the Hours), hiking, cooking, and so forth. We also took the advice of a couple we knew and started reading to each other. Since we both saw dating as discernment, we started with Venerable Fulton Sheen’s Three to Get Married and a book called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.
At some point, we both realized that the marriage thing wasn’t an “if,” but a “when.” Anna said she wanted to be surprised by a proposal, but didn’t want to be caught completely off guard. I gave her fair warning that I was going to talk with her dad. I contacted Anna’s sister and tried to arrange a dinner with her without raising Anna’s suspicions that I was the one making arrangements. We settled on May 4. On the way, I asked Anna if we could stop at the Adoration Chapel (the same one in which we spiritually stalked each other prior to meeting) for Evening Prayer and some quiet time, since I had just gotten though a busy day at work.
Anna: I was a little suspicious, but I didn’t think he’d had time to get a ring, so I kept telling myself it wouldn’t be that day.
Andrew: On the way down, Anna told me about the homily that morning at Mass. The priest (who is doing our marriage prep) talked about the connection between marriage and the Eucharist. After we prayed Evening Prayer, I whispered to Anna, “Speaking of marriage and the Eucharist, there’s another reason I wanted to stop here.” I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I’m fairly certain I told her I love her and want to serve her as her husband. I got down on one knee (as best I could between two pews) and asked her to marry me. I was overjoyed when she said yes. I look forward now to a lifetime of adventures and misadventures, but most of all, to all the years that I will spend living a life loving and serving her.
Anna: It was simple but beautiful, and I can’t think of a better location. We prayed Evening Prayer quietly, and then I saw him slip his hand in his pocket and realized that it really was happening. I believe he told me that he wanted to propose in the presence of Christ since he wants Christ to be at the center of our marriage. He pulled out a beautiful ring with a diamond that has been in his family since 1943 and two sapphires, which are my birthstone and a lifelong favorite of mine. As we left the chapel, our joy was overflowing in giggles which we were both trying to stifle until we got outside. I look forward to spending the rest of my life at Andrew’s side, journeying together through life, sharing our joys and supporting each other through our struggles and continuing to grow in love for each other.
Anna and Andrew are to be married Saturday, November 9, 2013. Please keep them in your prayers as they begin their life together in Christ.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Next in the discernment series: the journey of one sister's discernment to religious life.
I found myself repeating this sentence, while lying in bed. I do believe the Blessed Mother gave it to me, because I certainly didn’t come up with it by myself. I was actually kind of shocked, because I’ve always considered Love to be the highest thing, like St. Paul writes about. But here I was, in bed, trying to convince myself that love is never a mistake, because part of me felt it was.
Love hurts. Since the nature of true Love is self-sacrifice (I mean, look at the cross!), it is going to hurt sometimes. The greatest things come with the greatest price. Well, as the oldest child in my family, I have learned to look after myself. When I am hurt, I fix it. As fast as I can. Some wounds, however, you just have to rely on God to heal, allowing the Blessed Virgin to bandage it all up.
That’s really hard for me, to say the least.
Hence, I was beginning to feel like the love causing all this pain was (I admit it) an unfortunate mistake.
As human beings, we come from Love, are designed to Love, are fulfilled through Love: we live for Love. Every time we learn how to truly love another human being as the image and likeness of God, we grow closer to Him. We become more of who He made us to be. If we can sacrifice our desires for the wellbeing of another, no matter how much it hurts, we are one step closer to our heavenly goal. Could that possibly be a mistake? Of course not!
It’s just that said self-sacrifice sometimes leads to a massive load of confusion and headaches and heartaches and worry. And, just because you were able to sacrifice yourself for someone once, does not mean that you will continue to do so indefinitely, or even want to continue doing so. Since Love is Satan’s opposite, he wants to do his utmost to combat it. He wants to use our selfish desires, our tendency to protect ourselves first, and turn us away from our Maker.
See, there’s this guy. (I know, a lot of really lame conversations begin this way, and a lot of really…er…interesting ones, but bear with me here.)
He epitomizes my “dream prince”, at least to any reasonable length. He cares about me, and oh, how I care about him! But we decided that we needed to part ways for a bit—I was getting too attached, and he’s still discerning his vocation. Neither of us really wants a dating sort of relationship, and we chose to part ways now, for a couple months at least, so that our friendship can survive later on in life. That’s the gist of it, I guess, for obviously, the situation is much more complicated. I know that for his wellbeing, and my own, in the long run, that this is a good thing. Being too attached to someone, no matter how holy he is, no matter how much I care for him, no matter how much I’d like to be with him, is unhealthy. (By “too attached” I mean myself wanting to be with him no matter what, regardless of what God’s will is, because I think it must be God’s will because I want it so much. Yep. Unhealthy.)
Love is never a mistake.
I must keep repeating that to myself, because otherwise, I begin to forget it. Loving him was a choice, a choice between love and lust. By the grace of God, I chose to love. Learning how to love this wonderful fellow taught me so much, and I am a far better person because of it. God used this young man to bring me so much closer to Him, and I would never trade my spiritual growth for anything, even the earthly satisfaction of a pleasing, human relationship. Nope. Not this girl.
But also, because I chose love once, it means I need to keep choosing to love. Simply because we decided to be less close for a while definitely does NOT mean I should stop loving my dear friend. He is God’s precious child, and deserves every inch of my love because of that, for no other reason than that. I just need to learn to love him differently. After all—what if he is meant for another woman? What if (glory of glories!) he is called to the priesthood? Although my human reaction might initially be disappointment, upon learning these things, I know that I could not possibly continue to feel so. God has such great plans in store for the future, and I am inherently joyful at the prospect.
I want this young man to go to Heaven, above all things. I want to be with him there someday. After that, what I want doesn’t matter. It’s all on God. It’s His Will that counts.
I only pray that I continue to follow it, with Him supplying any required selflessness. I’m not that strong.
But Love is never a mistake.
Mairwen has written under many names in many places. Her current vocation is being an older sister to many monkeys. She wrote this article while intermittently spinning her 16 month-old godchild around on the office chair, avoiding excited keyboard smashing. She plans to graduate high school at some point, and figures she’ll probably go to some college or university for something (any help, God?). She writes and edits for the magazine Ink & Fairydust (www.iandfmag.com). She keeps the readers of this blog in her prayers, and asks for theirs.
---by Rebecca Willen One should not watch more than one chick flick at a time unless separated by a good Indiana Jones or perhaps an episode of MacGyver! I made the mistake of watching Stardustand 27 Dressestwo nights in a row. I then made the nearly fatal attempt to watch The Devil Wears Prada immediately after 27 Dresses. I only made it through about 10 minutes of that last one. I warn you, for the sake of your own mental safety, never repeat my mistake. If these kinds of movies, and worse, are what teenage girls are watching nowadays... I understand why society is so messed up.
Okay, all or most of you, probably know exactly what I'm going to tell you. However, I will also remind you that you, my female readers, will also pop a chick flick in the computer or tv every now and then... just when you want something "brainless" or something "romantic" or something "just to pass the time". Allow me to remind you that images, once placed in the mind, can never be erased. Thoughts, once thought, damage. You know things are bad, so you think that they can't affect you because you know them for what they are.
Yet, knowing a thing’s reality does not negate its effect on your imagination. What you read and what you watch will inevitably affect you. Maybe the effects will be slight, but after a while the slight things build up, and someday you hear yourself saying something that should never come out of your mouth, but has been conditioned by the images you put into your head. Or worse, you find yourself doing something you never would have done. I'm giving you a worst-case scenario here - but think about it.
I noticed a couple of damaging points in Stardust and 27 Dresses, things which I've noticed in many other romantic comedies that I almost regret having watched. Now, not everything about these movies is bad. The main character in Stardust does realize he's chasing a girl who's not worth it and remembers the prize he has close at hand. The main character in 27 Dresses does take her selflessness to the point that she can't love because she doesn't love herself. But I think you'll agree that the following problems are signs of a deep-seated misunderstanding of men and women, love, and the role of marriage in human life.
1. Sleeping together before marriage - not just outside of marriage.
DON'T get me wrong. Extra-marital sex is wrong. Period. End of story. But these chick flicks take sleeping together to a whole new level. We're not talking just free love and the occasional short-term fling. It's basically implied and promoted that either a) you can't possibly know the other person is your true love for sure unless you've slept with them; or b) sex is the necessary and inevitable reaction to two people discovering that they might love each other. Why, I ask you? Why is it that a man and a woman deciding that they might (and I say might because they haven't actually talked about it) MIGHT love each other, is followed without any other preliminaries, with the most sacred, holy, special act of human life? (I except, of course, the Sacraments. Natural human life, I mean.)
2. Similarly - is kissing seriously just a casual thing?
Your standards are all off if you have to kiss someone to find out whether or not there's a "spark". If "love" or a "relationship" (of course at this point they aren't really what they profess to be) is based on sensuality, no wonder you never get anywhere. Is nothing saved, nothing special, nothing sacred? Even a hug is in some way a giving of yourself - you're letting your guard, your defenses down; you're saying in essence "I trust you with my life, for I am now without defense against you or any other." A long hug is a complete breakdown of your defenses and brings a level of physical relaxation that can and should only be given to one you trust completely. Kissing is, from all I've heard and seen, even more so an emotional letting-down of any barriers, a giving of oneself only short of the great act of love. Either we as women don't care about ourselves enough to keep ourselves safe, or we don't even realize there's something worth guarding in who we are. We women are willing to give ourselves away, no questions asked.
Girls, don't do this to yourselves, please. Your femininity is so precious. You have so much to give. Don't waste who you are, what you are, on someone who could be as fleeting as the wind.
All of my comments here apply to point 1 too and even more so to that topic!!
3. Why must women profess love first? Why is it "self-affirming" to admit to the guy you like that you like him? Why should the chase be reversed and the pursued become the pursuer?
This is, to be honest, probably one of my worst pet peeves about the modern world. Honestly, there's a reason why for millenia, the guy does the pursuing and the girl is pursued. Men have to fight for something if they respect and love it, and they won't respect or love it if they don't have to fight for it. Men go to war for a country that they love - and say what you will, the warriors are the strongest patriots. If something isn't a challenge, then it isn't worth it. Girls, you should understand this - remember the pretty dress you saw, desired, and then saved up for and bought later with your hard-earned money? Remember the feeling of satisfaction and how you looked ten times prettier in it because you appreciated it more? Guys are, and have always been, the same way. Men in particular, respect and love something more when they have to fight for it, work for it, wonder about it and strive for it.
As much as it hurts every time you look at that guy you fell for, and all you want to do is tell him how happy you are every time you're around him, don't tell him.
This advice I can honestly tell you from my own experience.
One reason is that it will keep your emotions far more intact if you don't share them with him, and then something comes up. Maybe you find out he has a girlfriend at home, maybe he moves away, maybe you find out something about him that kills your emotions for him, maybe it's just a summer crush that dies away - that's a heck of a lot easier to deal with when you haven't told him how you feel. It saves awkwardness and general emotional wear-and-tear.
A second reason is that handing yourself to a guy on a silver platter before you even know how he feels, or especially if you know he likes another girl (hello, Yvaine from Stardust), you're throwing yourself away. And there goes your dignity and respect, whether he accepts or returns your love, or whether he gently rejects you. Even if he tells you he likes you too, there is a lessening of his respect and his joy in having won you, if he didn't really win you. (Jane from 27 Dresses, I'm not convinced that Kevin wouldn't have been happier if you had just shown up at the party, put yourself in his line of sight, and smiled at him. Pretty sure he'd have done the chasing himself, all he needed to know is that you'd forgiven him and he had a chance.)
Most importantly, though, if he's worth telling your emotions, then he's totally worth waiting for. Now, I'm not saying you can't figure out whether he's actually got any potential or whether you might as well give up and nurse your emotions right now. Keeping your emotions to a friendship, especially when it looks hopeless, is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your single years. You want so hard to have a relationship with him, you get desperate wondering if there's any hope, you feel like even if he turned you down you wouldn't care because you just want closure. Okay, first - is it really worth it to throw yourself away like that, by telling him first that you like him? There are other ways of finding out whether he likes you or not. Second, if there's any potential for him to like you, wouldn't you prefer that he figure it out on his own and then be able to work to win your heart and your hand? It is worth waiting. It is worth strengthening a friendship with him so that you can know each other better - it will make your relationship even greater when everything finally does come to fruition.
Chick flicks have their place. But don’t blunt yourself to the genuine problems that are clearly visible in these summer popcorn movies. True romance is not the kind that is found on the screen, but the kind that is found, struggled through, and kept holy, through faith and virtue.
Rebecca Willen is a student at Christendom College, formerly homeschooled; a loyal Catholic; a defender of the liberal arts; a lover of tradition and antiquity; a devotee of the printed word and all things related to literature; one who perpetually haunts the nearest available library and bookstore; an avid musician; and hopefully a future editor.
I sat on the beautiful second-story balcony with my friend K. at the bed-and-breakfast. Dusk was quickly settling on the peaceful Amish hillside. There were no lights for miles, just farmland and barns and white farmhouses in this sweet country of the Plain people.
I unzipped my Bible cover and opened the Word. There was peace in my surroundings but inwardly my heart was hurt and confused and unsettled.
K. had listened to me tearily relay that morning a struggle in my relationship. Misunderstanding. Uncertainty. Tension. (The perfectionist in me hates the messiness in human relationships...but the redeemed child of God in me reminds me that it's okay not to be perfect as long as we belong to the One who is...and that He's pretty amazing at redeeming the messiness).
I opened to Chapter 1 in James. I knew it well--all about doubt and being tossed like waves on the ocean. Yes, this one was fitting for us. Though I don't want to share details, there was some pride in my wounded heart as I chose this chapter tonight. These words were for him, not for me, I thought.
I should know by now that when we read His Word, He usually wants to talk to us...not about other people.
Instead of going right to verse 6 about faith and doubt and such, I started at the beginning. And I felt His Voice deep in my heart, comforting and instructing.
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)
Count it all joy.
The testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
Let steadfastness have its full effect.
Steadfastness.
That word kept echoing in my mind and heart. I wasn't loving him steadfastly. I was loving him conditionally. I wasn't loving him like Christ loves us--constantly, unconditionally. Steadfastly. This was my call. I heard it in my heart as clearly as if He had spoken it from heavens in the clear, starry sky tonight. Not to mull over the details of the messiness. Not to worry or to figure things out or to place blame. But to love. Always to love. As Jesus does. He says that this testing of my faith would help produce that kind of steadfast love in me. And choosing to love steadfastly would in turn "have its full effect," which may not be a change in the situation...but a change in me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He does transform the messiness. Time and time again. So today, months later, as I find myself getting discouraged and in another trial, I remind myself to count it all joy.
And as I catch up with a few friends' blogs on this cozy Sunday afternoon, a little verse sticks out to me at the bottom of my friend Christine's post...James 1:2-4. Thank you, Lord. You always know just what I need.
I attend a small college, where everyone knows everyone else and
dating is taken very seriously; which means that to start dating someone usually
causes at least a few ripples in the pool of community life. So whenever a new
couple forms, I notice a slew of advice starts to swirl around them from all
quarters. Everyone wants to help them by offering tips, counsel, and warnings
along with their congratulations.
From a supportive and helpful community, offering advice can
be very good, especially if it is coming from people you know, respect, and trust.
Yet, what is a little peculiar about it is that so much of the advice seems
to conflict. This wasn’t a question of “worldly view of relationships” v. “Catholic
view of relationships,” but pious, prudent people offering at times seemingly
contradictory views on the same question. Some of those issues have already
been debated on this blog: how to define dating, when to date, when to call it “courtship,”
things to avoid while dating, things to do when dating, etc.
Here's a few examples:
“I think one should date dozens of people. There are tons of
important things about someone you can’t learn about them unless you enter that
‘official’ relationship stage.”
“I think I would wait until I am more certain that a person
might be ‘the one,’ before I ever would consider dating them.”
“You should never start courting someone until you’re
positive they’re the one for you. Until then, you should just get to know them
in a group setting.”
“One shouldn’t date until after highschool, but then it’s
fine.”
“Never date during the first year or two of college.”
“I don’t think it’s prudent to seriously date until after
college years.”
Somehow, the subject of relationships especially seemed to
resurface as a perpetual tangent in my theology classes of last year. I think it was one of my professor’s favorite
topics, and throughout the year he liberally dropped tidbits of “relationship advice”
here and there like largesse, scattered amidst our Scripture studies, from
Genesis to Revelation. There was quite a
bit of it, but one line stuck out to me in particular. “You should never get
engaged to anyone,” he said, “Until you’ve had at least one knock-down,
drag-out fight with them.” His idea was that you could never know if you could
bear to be yoked for life to another person in marriage until you found out if
you were able work out arguments together, square differences of opinion, and manage
quarrels and reconciliations well together.
Yet, on the same campus, I heard a talk on relationships
given by a happy, Catholic married couple who said, upon being asked, that to
be honest, they had to admit that they had never once had a serious quarrel. And
they had been married for years.
All this is extremely confusing, but it’s typical of “relationship
advice” in the Catholic world. Everyone has a different opinion, and it’s not
exactly a matter of dogma that can be clarified by looking in the index of the
Catechism. So, by far, I think the absolute best piece of “relationship advice”
I ever heard was from one professor who, hearing how some pieces of
counsel from different well-respected people seemed to conflict, said simply:
“You have to understand that everyone’s dating advice is
anecdotal. It’s based on their relationship experience. So-and-so had a rough
relationship in early college years that didn’t turn out right; so he thinks
you shouldn’t date in early college years. The other guy dated dozens of women
and eventually found the right one; so he’s an advocate of dating a lot to find
the right spouse. One fellow started dating freshman year and married her and
has lived happily ever since, so he thinks that’s the way to go. All you can do
is take everything with a grain of salt, and just try to act prudently. And pray
a lot.”
I think his words can be helpful for Catholic young adults
who are trying to live, faithful, holy lives, and may feel called to discern a vocation
to marriage but are having difficulty balancing all the advice that comes from
Catholic circles about how to date, and when, and who. In the end, the individual is called to use
common sense, prudence, patience, and prayer when it comes to discerning
relationships and possible vocations to marriage. While there are some obvious
rules of thumb to follow that almost everyone will recognize—like not dating
someone you barely know, being careful to preserve one’s chastity, and giving
due weight to the opinions of those you respect and love—when it comes to
relationships, it ultimately depends on each person to prayerfully discern God’s
call.
Thanks to the wonderful comments on my earlier post, I've decided to do a whole post on emotional chastity. It's a sticky topic and one that is easy to misunderstand, so please bear with me as I try to address it accurately. I would be so happy to hear your opinions and thoughts in the comment box!
Let me start off by telling you a little story, one that may already be familiar to you.
Once upon a time there was a girl who had a best friend who was a guy. She was sure she could never fall in love with him, because he was too nerdy/not funny/unattractive/etc. (insert adjective of your choice). But he was an awesome friend. So she shared with him all her thoughts, feelings, and cherished dreams - because that's what best friends do, right? He gave her emotional affirmation and built up her confidence. It was a beautiful friendship, and they were proud to be proof that men and women can in fact be "just friends."
Then one day, he mentioned that he was planning to ask another girl out on a date. And our heroine woke up with a sickening thud. She realized she didn't like that idea at all. Because you see, all that time that she was pouring out her heart and soul to his sympathetic ears, she didn't realize that she was actually falling in love with him. And meanwhile he was falling in love with someone else.
It's a sad story, isn't it? But it's an all-too-common story in our modern world, where the line between friendship and dating is awfully blurred. It used to be that whenever an eligible single girl and an eligible single guy hung out alone together, that was a date. Nowadays, not so much. Especially in college, there are all kinds of reasons to hang out alone with a guy - meals, walking to class, sports games, class projects. Very often, you start to develop an emotionally close relationship. If you both happen to fall for each other, that's wonderful, and a very good thing. But if only one of you falls in love... then someone is going to end up with a broken heart.
Since reading the comments on my last post, I talked to a lot of my girl friends and compiled a list of tips on how to protect yourself emotionally. Before sharing it, though, I'd like to clear up one thing. In my earlier post, I said that emotional modesty is as important as physical chastity. Some readers called me out on this, and wisely pointed out that serious physical impurity is a sin while emotional impurity isn't. True. But in response, I'd like to point out that the kind of girls who read this blog already know about the importance of physical purity, but they may not be aware that emotional chastity is important too. Second, I will contend that the virtue of modesty applies to what you say as well as to how you dress and act, and modesty (as well as prudence) is what is needed in order to be emotionally chaste.
Some Ideas for Practicing Emotional Chastity
1. Consider the good of the other person. Pope Benedict XVI tells us to "See with the eyes of Christ" and to "give [others] the look of love which they crave." Pray about all your friends, including your guy friends, and ask God, "Am I loving this person as God intends me to do?" And keep in mind that where your guy friends are concerned, loving him does not mean serving him or getting emotionally close. I know that seems counter-intuitive. But is it for his good if you're secretly pining over him, or letting him pine over you? If you know he likes you, for his sake, stop hanging out with him alone. If you feel yourself starting to like him, protect yourself and pull back from the friendship (and if he likes you back, that won't stop him from pursuing you). It's really hard to pull back from a friendship! It requires a lot of prayer, the support of your girl friends, and keeping yourself extremely busy with other things. But it is so, so much better for you both, in the short as well as the long term. Oh, and I shouldn't even have to say this, except that it happens more often than you'd think: don't ever date someone out of pity. That is most definitely not for his good (even if you think it is!).
2. Be self-aware. Some people claim that guys and girls can't ever really be friends, as seen below:
The video is hilarious, but I think it's wrong in one respect. Guys and girls can be friends - as long as they're not emotionally intimate. When the serious emotions come out, someone is bound to start liking someone else.
That's why it's important to monitor your own emotions and remain aware of your guy friends' emotions. Through self-awareness, you can make sure the friendship stays on an emotionally appropriate level.
Harry and Hermione - proof that guys can make great friends, as long as you're not too emotionally intimate.
What is an emotionally appropriate level? Unlike physical boundaries, everyone's emotional boundaries are a little different. It's a question of knowing yourself and what is too much emotional intimacy for you. To give a broad example, after a rough day, it might be nice to get a hug and a kind word from a guy friend. But if you're taking your problems to him every day? Then you've got a problem. Being self-aware takes maturity, and I think you can do it!
On that note, here are some Ways to Tell if You're Too Emotionally Intimate
1. If you spend so much time with him that other people think you're dating.This article is one of the best things on emotional intimacy I've ever read. The situation described in that article is very common, and it's no fun for the "friendgirl" stuck in it. Yikes. Be cautious!
2. If you rely only on him, or mostly on him, for emotional support. Relying on just one person isn't healthy even if you're married to him. We need different kinds of relationships to meet different emotional needs.
3. If you spend an exorbitant amount of time alone together. Again, it's hard to lay down a hard and fast rule, because this too will differ person to person. But if you find yourself hanging out alone with him almost every day, or eating a meal alone with him for literally every single day of a college semester (don't laugh, it happens), that's a little excessive.
4. If you don't have strong, honest female friendships in the near vicinity. Besides providing much-needed emotional support, girl friends will hold you accountable if you're wasting your time on a guy. Besides, girl friends are one of the best parts of being single.
Let me tell you a story. I recently met a sweet, beautiful woman at a party. We started talking and she revealed that she is 32 and just got married last year. "When I was a teenager, I thought I would be married by the time I was 21," she confessed with a hint of surprise. But God had a different plan for her. "In the secular culture, people are getting married later and later," she said, "and that's affecting the Catholic world too."
Even though her life didn't work out as she originally planned, she told me how grateful she was for the years she spent single. "I got to have the most amazing opportunities to travel all over the world and to build my career," she said. And most of all, "I developed the most wonderful, strong female friendships." Now that she lives far away from her family, "My girl friends are my family. They're my support network and they help me in so many ways."
I was blown away by that. I realized that the single years are a gift from God, a time to help us grow in maturity and to strengthen our relationships with our family and girl friends. If you find yourself tempted to start an emotionally close relationship with a guy, remember that your girl friends are the ones who will be with you through thick and thin, and that cultivating those friendships is more important (sorry, guys!).
5. If you talk about really personal things a lot. It's one thing if you have a guy friend with whom you talk about books or music or sports, but if the conversation keeps getting all personal, you might run into problems. Again, this is on a case-by-case basis, and of course there are times and places when it's appropriate to divulge personal things. But if you're not even dating this guy, does he really need to know private emotional details of your past? I think not. It's wiser (and more modest) to save emotional unveiling for the stage when you're discerning marriage with him.
Whew! Well, that's most of what I know about emotional chastity. I hope this is helpful to someone! Have you ever been stuck in a "friendgirl" relationship? What else do you think girls can do to protect themselves emotionally?
Further Reading: I first encountered the idea of emotional chastity through an awesome book called Every Woman's Battle. It's geared more towards Protestant women and married women (although there is now a separate book called Every Single Woman's Battle), but I really liked it and I think it's useful for anyone looking to practice emotional chastity. My friend Cori also recommends a book called Lady in Waiting.
I would also recommend reading literally everything every written by Seraphic Singles, whom my friends and I call Auntie Seraphic. She is a devout Catholic woman who got married in her late 30s and gives sensible, honest advice on dating and marriage to single Catholic girls. You can write to her with dating problems and she will reply with the most helpful advice imaginable. Here is something she wrote about emotional chastity, for a start. **I should warn you though, some of the stuff she writes about is a little intense (things like sexual assault, for example). While she is an awesome writer who gives great advice, some of her posts may be a little much for high school readers.**
