Those Important Blessings

Clare has written before quite a few times about keeping a journal of blessings. Just a small one, set aside for the sole purpose of blessings and other such happy things. Keeping a journal, any kind of journal, seems like such a feminine thing, doesn't it? And this blog is dedicated to all things Holy and feminine, so I thought I would take a few paragraphs to give my own story about journaling and blessings.

When I was 15, I kept a journal consistently for about 5 months. That's the longest I've ever done. I remember I set aside a specific time to try and write at least a page. Reading back through that book is always an enjoyable experience. I love seeing how much I've changed since then...the things I used to find important. But that time was also a time when I truly grew in my faith. I like to think of it as one of the times when I began to get serious. If I had no idea of what to write, I would just do a sort of book reflection of whatever I'd read in the Bible, or another spiritual book. Or, I would muse on spirituality. Reading back, it seems rather deep for a 15 year old girl!

Sometimes, when I'm with my friends in some random place...it is easy to put my Faith aside and participate normally. I'm always thinking about Faith way back in my head -- but I don't bring it into regular discussion. Is that necessarily a bad thing? ... I still want to make a good impression, be accepted, etc.

~~April 29, 2010

It's at this time in my life that I'm starting to consider my vocation and life after college, etc. It's hard, this growing up. It's like all of life is a transitioning period; not just from child to teen and teen to adult. There's always something new coming, and it's frightening -- all these uncertainties. But God is with us.

~~May 5, 2010 

I really need to examine my life now, because I'm not living perfectly for God. I need to turn to Him now -- and always strive for Him. For "we all long for heaven where God is, but we have it in our power to be in Heaven with Him." (Mother Theresa).

~~May 6, 2010

When I started this journal, my only intention was to keep a journal. Lately, I see that most of my entries are about faith. When you hear about a diary, one thing that comes to mind is a historical primary source. ... Sometimes I wonder about this journal; if I will ever write about anything interesting. ... Writing about faith makes me understand and believe in it more, so I cannot say it's a bad thing that most of my entries are about that.

~~May 23, 2010

Since I wrote in that journal, I've acquired two new books: one full sized journal to continue to fill, and one smaller one, just for blessings. I will admit I haven't been quite as diligent as before in filling them up, but I have again started, slowly, since writing this post. In addition to archiving my life, and musing with no intended audience, a journal's best purpose may be providing inspiration when you most need it. I love looking back at my entries. Having a journal of blessings and inspiring spiritual quotes can really come in handy during those days when things seem to be going all wrong.

While I know I won't always just muse about my Faith in my new journal, I do hope to use my journal as a medium for whatever I happen to be thinking of that day, and to archive everything Good, True, and Beautiful. If I could keep a steady journal at one point, and reap such blessings from it, I'm sure I can do it again. And even if you don't feel that you have any "deep musings" to write down, I urge all of you to just start writing. I'm sure at the time, I thought everything I wrote was not of consequence, but now I am so blessed I wrote!

Emotional Chastity

Thanks to the wonderful comments on my earlier post, I've decided to do a whole post on emotional chastity. It's a sticky topic and one that is easy to misunderstand, so please bear with me as I try to address it accurately. I would be so happy to hear your opinions and thoughts in the comment box!

Let me start off by telling you a little story, one that may already be familiar to you.

Once upon a time there was a girl who had a best friend who was a guy. She was sure she could never fall in love with him, because he was too nerdy/not funny/unattractive/etc. (insert adjective of your choice). But he was an awesome friend. So she shared with him all her thoughts, feelings, and cherished dreams - because that's what best friends do, right? He gave her emotional affirmation and built up her confidence. It was a beautiful friendship, and they were proud to be proof that men and women can in fact be "just friends."

Then one day, he mentioned that he was planning to ask another girl out on a date. And our heroine woke up with a sickening thud. She realized she didn't like that idea at all. Because you see, all that time that she was pouring out her heart and soul to his sympathetic ears, she didn't realize that she was actually falling in love with him. And meanwhile he was falling in love with someone else.

It's a sad story, isn't it? But it's an all-too-common story in our modern world, where the line between friendship and dating is awfully blurred. It used to be that whenever an eligible single girl and an eligible single guy hung out alone together, that was a date. Nowadays, not so much. Especially in college, there are all kinds of reasons to hang out alone with a guy - meals, walking to class, sports games, class projects. Very often, you start to develop an emotionally close relationship. If you both happen to fall for each other, that's wonderful, and a very good thing. But if only one of you falls in love... then someone is going to end up with a broken heart.

Since reading the comments on my last post, I talked to a lot of my girl friends and compiled a list of tips on how to protect yourself emotionally. Before sharing it, though, I'd like to clear up one thing. In my earlier post, I said that emotional modesty is as important as physical chastity. Some readers called me out on this, and wisely pointed out that serious physical impurity is a sin while emotional impurity isn't. True. But in response, I'd like to point out that the kind of girls who read this blog already know about the importance of physical purity, but they may not be aware that emotional chastity is important too. Second, I will contend that the virtue of modesty applies to what you say as well as to how you dress and act, and modesty (as well as prudence) is what is needed in order to be emotionally chaste.

Some Ideas for Practicing Emotional Chastity

1. Consider the good of the other person. Pope Benedict XVI tells us to "See with the eyes of Christ" and to "give [others] the look of love which they crave." Pray about all your friends, including your guy friends, and ask God, "Am I loving this person as God intends me to do?" And keep in mind that where your guy friends are concerned, loving him does not mean serving him or getting emotionally close. I know that seems counter-intuitive. But is it for his good if you're secretly pining over him, or letting him pine over you? If you know he likes you, for his sake, stop hanging out with him alone. If you feel yourself starting to like him, protect yourself and pull back from the friendship (and if he likes you back, that won't stop him from pursuing you). It's really hard to pull back from a friendship! It requires a lot of prayer, the support of your girl friends, and keeping yourself extremely busy with other things. But it is so, so much better for you both, in the short as well as the long term. Oh, and I shouldn't even have to say this, except that it happens more often than you'd think: don't ever date someone out of pity. That is most definitely not for his good (even if you think it is!).

2. Be self-aware. Some people claim that guys and girls can't ever really be friends, as seen below:

The video is hilarious, but I think it's wrong in one respect. Guys and girls can be friends - as long as they're not emotionally intimate. When the serious emotions come out, someone is bound to start liking someone else.

That's why it's important to monitor your own emotions and remain aware of your guy friends' emotions. Through self-awareness, you can make sure the friendship stays on an emotionally appropriate level.

Harry and Hermione - proof that guys can make great friends, as long as you're not too emotionally intimate.

What is an emotionally appropriate level? Unlike physical boundaries, everyone's emotional boundaries are a little different. It's a question of knowing yourself and what is too much emotional intimacy for you. To give a broad example, after a rough day, it might be nice to get a hug and a kind word from a guy friend. But if you're taking your problems to him every day? Then you've got a problem. Being self-aware takes maturity, and I think you can do it!

On that note, here are some Ways to Tell if You're Too Emotionally Intimate

1. If you spend so much time with him that other people think you're dating. This article is one of the best things on emotional intimacy I've ever read. The situation described in that article is very common, and it's no fun for the "friendgirl" stuck in it. Yikes. Be cautious!

2. If you rely only on him, or mostly on him, for emotional support. Relying on just one person isn't healthy even if you're married to him. We need different kinds of relationships to meet different emotional needs.

3.  If you spend an exorbitant amount of time alone together. Again, it's hard to lay down a hard and fast rule, because this too will differ person to person. But if you find yourself hanging out alone with him almost every day, or eating a meal alone with him for literally every single day of a college semester (don't laugh, it happens), that's a little excessive.

4. If you don't have strong, honest female friendships in the near vicinity. Besides providing much-needed emotional support, girl friends will hold you accountable if you're wasting your time on a guy. Besides, girl friends are one of the best parts of being single.

Let me tell you a story. I recently met a sweet, beautiful woman at a party. We started talking and she revealed that she is 32 and just got married last year. "When I was a teenager, I thought I would be married by the time I was 21," she confessed with a hint of surprise. But God had a different plan for her. "In the secular culture, people are getting married later and later," she said, "and that's affecting the Catholic world too."

Even though her life didn't work out as she originally planned, she told me how grateful she was for the years she spent single. "I got to have the most amazing opportunities to travel all over the world and to build my career," she said. And most of all, "I developed the most wonderful, strong female friendships." Now that she lives far away from her family, "My girl friends are my family. They're my support network and they help me in so many ways."

I was blown away by that. I realized that the single years are a gift from God, a time to help us grow in maturity and to strengthen our relationships with our family and girl friends. If you find yourself tempted to start an emotionally close relationship with a guy, remember that your girl friends are the ones who will be with you through thick and thin, and that cultivating those friendships is more important (sorry, guys!).

5. If you talk about really personal things a lot. It's one thing if you have a guy friend with whom you talk about books or music or sports, but if the conversation keeps getting all personal, you might run into problems. Again, this is on a case-by-case basis, and of course there are times and places when it's appropriate to divulge personal things. But if you're not even dating this guy, does he really need to know private emotional details of your past? I think not. It's wiser (and more modest) to save emotional unveiling for the stage when you're discerning marriage with him.

Whew! Well, that's most of what I know about emotional chastity. I hope this is helpful to someone! Have you ever been stuck in a "friendgirl" relationship? What else do you think girls can do to protect themselves emotionally?

Further Reading: I first encountered the idea of emotional chastity through an awesome book called Every Woman's Battle. It's geared more towards Protestant women and married women (although there is now a separate book called Every Single Woman's Battle), but I really liked it and I think it's useful for anyone looking to practice emotional chastity. My friend Cori also recommends a book called Lady in Waiting.

I would also recommend reading literally everything every written by Seraphic Singles, whom my friends and I call Auntie Seraphic. She is a devout Catholic woman who got married in her late 30s and gives sensible, honest advice on dating and marriage to single Catholic girls. You can write to her with dating problems and she will reply with the most helpful advice imaginable. Here is something she wrote about emotional chastity, for a start. **I should warn you though, some of the stuff she writes about is a little intense (things like sexual assault, for example). While she is an awesome writer who gives great advice, some of her posts may be a little much for high school readers.**

When I Fail

When I set up for myself high standards, I inevitably set myself up for failure. 

I fail when I do poorly on an assignment. I fail when I'm too absorbed in my own worries to take time for a friend who really needs a smile. I fail when I don't show encouragement and love to the person who means most to me. I fail when I don't forgive. I fail when I don't show kindness and compassion. I fail when I decide that I'm too busy for God.

These would be failures in any case, but because I openly acknowledge that I want to be better than this, it hurts all the more when I'm not. And not only have I failed myself, but I've failed all those who expect me to be a good example.

With high standards, failing hurts so much more.

But with high standards comes the opportunity and the motivation to keep trying after failures. I fail, often. Yet yearning after the highest gives me the courage to pray for God's help in spite of everything behind me, and there will be times when I smile, when I love, when I encourage, when I succeed. And the falling is worth the beautiful feeling of being raised up again by Him. 

Homemade Tortilla Chips: A Recipe

We've had some great topics lately for discussion! I hope you've been enjoying them and reflecting on your own thoughts about them.

But for a moment, let's step away from the desk or the reading chair and hop over to the kitchen, shall we?

I've been on a salty-crunchy craze lately. Normally I'm a sweets girl, but these days I can't get enough of chips and popcorn and the like. So in an effort to use up some old Trader Joe's tortilla wraps one day, I decided to try making my own tortilla chips. They were fantastic and SO easy! Ready for the steps?

1. Cut tortillas into strips or triangles and place on a baking sheet.

2. Melt a few tablespoons of butter and brush the chips with the melted butter.

3. Sprinkle on your favorite seasonings and/or salt. (I used paprika and several others that I don't remember--I just kept pulling out spices and shaking them on!)

4. Bake in an oven at 375 degrees for about 7-9 minutes.

That's all there is to it! These would taste great with any type of dip (like Spinach-Artichoke...mmm!) or just by themselves. Enjoy!

What Can We Do?

Ladies, I read a great article in First Things today calling for the Catholic Church in the United States to focus on four main, practical objectives for the new year:

1. The ending of abortion

2. The return of large families

3. The renewal of classical education

4. The building of better churches.

What a great set of objectives! As the author of the article says, these correspond to the most pressing needs of the Church in the West.

Now, we're just a few young women. Most of us are in high school or college. We don't hold positions of power and we're not beginning families or building churches any time soon.

But we are the John Paul II Generation and we are a crucial part of the New Evangelization. So I want to ask for your ideas and advice. What can we do to further these objectives?

I have some ideas over on my personal blog too.

The Ideal Woman?

This is going to be more of a musing, questioning post than anything else, and I would love it if you all chimed in with your thoughts. The question of what exactly the ideal woman looks like has been on my mind a lot lately as I grow older. There's never been any doubt in my mind that I would like to be as close to the ideal woman as possible when I'm 'all grown up', but I wonder more and more what that means.

It's fairly easy to point to the ideal man if anyone is wondering what he would look like. Specific examples are easy to come by. Lots of people point to Mr. Knightley from Emma. Most of the time I point to St. Thomas More. He was an accomplished and educated man, intelligent, with a fine sense of humor and a quick wit, strong principles that he adhered to but never beleaguered others with unless it was necessary, a great loyalty to country and a great loyalty to God.

But if I were asked to point to a specific person as an example of the ideal woman, it would be hard to do so. The best examples I can think of are women the rest of you have never heard of, because they live and work out of the public eye. Of course the Blessed Virgin can be pointed to as the paradigm of womanhood, but it seems that in a large part she's the model of what our spiritual lives should be. The Gospels are very silent as to any exteriors of her life: what she wore, how she kept her house, how she associated with her neighbors in everyday life.

This leads me to wonder if the ideal woman is one who works in privacy? That is to say, is it hard to point to a specific example of an ideal woman because if she really is ideal she's somewhat hidden from us, in the way that the Blessed Virgin and every detail of her life is hidden from us?

Pope John Paul II emphasized that a woman's primary vocation was motherhood, whether that motherhood were biological or spiritual. Motherhood seems to entail some amount of removal from the business of the world to nurture and love. I'd venture that a man's primary vocation is fatherhood, whether biological or spiritual, but I'd also say that this calling entails going out into the world to provide and defend, unlike the mother. Hence it's easy to see the ideal man, bustling about in the affairs of the world, like St. Thomas More.

And perhaps the ideal woman is the one we as a public don't tend to see. Perhaps she's the woman in our town that we know of, but no one else. Perhaps some of her perfection comes in being hidden, like the Blessed Virgin, never ostentatiously out in the public eye but somehow changing every bit of the world around her for the better.

What do you think of the idea that the best work of the woman, the thing that makes her an example of the ideal, is accomplished in privacy and quiet? Can you think of the traits that ought to belong to this ideal woman? Do you have any ideas of what she is and how she can be described?

Brideshead Revisited, "The Best Catholic Novel"

One of my favorite novels of all time is Brideshead Revisited, the story of an aristocratic Catholic British family and the young artist who befriends them. I'm not alone in my appreciation. Secular critics adore Brideshead, and it always ranks highly on lists of Catholic literature too. The great Father Robert Barron even called it "the best Catholic novel of the twentieth century." I love it so much that I made it the theme of my 21st birthday party.

However, I have a confession to make. The first time I read it, I didn't like it. Nope, not one bit.

You see, Brideshead Revisited is a difficult book in a lot of ways. For one thing, it's tragic. For another, it has a lot of questionable moral content that makes it unsuitable for a younger audience. Finally, its appeal for Catholics is very subtle, and you might miss it if you're not playing close attention. I missed most of it my first time around.

The thing is, Evelyn Waugh wasn't writing for the casual reader. Waugh was a master literary stylist whose eloquence with the English language was nearly unrivaled. Furthermore, he really "got" human nature and depicted his characters very realistically, in all the complexity of their sins and prejudices and sillinesses. As his greatest work, Brideshead Revisited needs time, patience, and close attention to be really understood.

On top of that, there is no traditional happy ending in Brideshead Revisited. There are no unequivocally "good" characters, and in fact there are very few likable ones. Everyone in the story is deeply flawed, or else a little flat. Everyone makes really awful mistakes and most of the characters suffer deeply. There is a lot of beauty, but there is also a good share of ugliness and a lot of sorrow.

If you prefer clear-cut "good"/"bad" characters and obviously happy endings - and I don't blame you if you do, I often do myself - you might have a hard time liking Brideshead Revisited.

If, however, you are up for reading "the best Catholic novel of the twentieth century," here is my unofficial and non-academic guide on how to get the most you can out of it.

1. The first step is to set the scene for the chapters on Oxford, in the first half of the book. Read a little about Oxford's Mercury Fountain and the Bullingdon Club for context.

Those Wikipedia pages are shockingly lacking in the juicy details, by the way. The Mercury Fountain has a small statue of the god Mercury in the center of it (no surprise) which the occasional Oxford undergraduate tries to pull down when inebriated. It has been pulled down three times, and legend has it that each man who got it down went on to become Prime Minister of England.

Despite the threat of a heavy fine, Oxford students still regularly jump in Mercury when drunk and have a go at downing old Mercury. As the statue is now welded to its base, however, this feat is a lot more difficult than it was in years past, and I don't know anyone who has succeeded (although I do know someone who cut his foot on the pedestal while attempting to ensure his future career as Prime Minister. Shhh, don't tell!).

Also, the Bullingdon Club is the most ridiculously exclusive group in British undergraduate life, and probably in the world.

Among other things, they are notorious for destroying restaurants/hotels/clubs that they party in. They leave the place an absolute wreck and then pay the damages, which as Wikipedia accurately notes, makes it "prohibitively expensive" to join.

Of course, being in Bullingdon pretty much guarantees that you'll eventually become Mayor of London or Prime Minister of England. Members of the Bullingdon Club excel at getting into positions of power.

They also excel at sitting around the place looking pensive in fabulous waistcoats.

2. Having set the scene for the Oxford portion of the novel, my next recommendation is that you read the chapter on Brideshead Revisited in George Weigel's excellent book Letters to a Young Catholic (most of that chapter is available online).

Warning: the chapter contains plot spoilers. So you may prefer to wait until after you've read the book to read it. But it offers a great philosophical explanation of Brideshead, so I recommend reading it first as a framework for understanding the book properly.

3. My final recommendation is about the way you ought to approach the story. Ultimately, the main actor in Brideshead Revisited isn't actually any of the human characters; it's Divine Providence itself. The book is essentially an extended exploration of how God's grace works - slowly, subtly, and very strangely - on one dysfunctional British Catholic family. It's brilliant and beautiful, and completely imperceptible to non-Catholics, who will absurdly claim that the book is actually about the First World War or something similarly inconsequential to the plot.

As a side note, if you can, try to read it slowly and really savor the language. Waugh wrote so beautifully! It blows me away sometimes. Even some tiny passages, such as the description of a certain wine drunk at dinner in Paris, are evocative, powerful, eloquent, haunting. What Waugh did with the English language was no small feat. I can only dream of someday writing half as well as he did.

Finally, make sure you read the Epilogue, and especially the final few paragraphs. They gently convey the point and theme of the entire book.

Anyway, a lot of people whose opinions I respect don't like Brideshead at all, and I can see that their criticisms are valid. It's difficult to relate to many of the characters. The book is sad, sometimes awfully so, and a lot of characters play fast and loose with morality. It's certainly not for everyone.

Perhaps, like me, you really won't like it the first time you read it. In that case, please wait a few months, or even years, and try it again. It worked for me. Perhaps it will work for you too.

And then, please come back and tell me what you think about it.

Originally published on my personal blog.


**Important disclaimer: This book deals with some mature subject matter and is probably not appropriate until you are in college. Also, the new (not-BBC) movie is entirely inappropriate and we do not recommend it at all. Just so you know!**