---by Mairwen Siana
Love is never a mistake.
Love is never a mistake.
I found myself repeating this sentence, while lying in bed. I do believe the Blessed Mother gave it to me, because I certainly didn’t come up with it by myself. I was actually kind of shocked, because I’ve always considered Love to be the highest thing, like St. Paul writes about. But here I was, in bed, trying to convince myself that love is never a mistake, because part of me felt it was.
Love hurts. Since the nature of true Love is self-sacrifice (I mean, look at the cross!), it is going to hurt sometimes. The greatest things come with the greatest price. Well, as the oldest child in my family, I have learned to look after myself. When I am hurt, I fix it. As fast as I can. Some wounds, however, you just have to rely on God to heal, allowing the Blessed Virgin to bandage it all up.
That’s really hard for me, to say the least.
Hence, I was beginning to feel like the love causing all this pain was (I admit it) an unfortunate mistake.
As human beings, we come from Love, are designed to Love, are fulfilled through Love: we live for Love. Every time we learn how to truly love another human being as the image and likeness of God, we grow closer to Him. We become more of who He made us to be. If we can sacrifice our desires for the wellbeing of another, no matter how much it hurts, we are one step closer to our heavenly goal. Could that possibly be a mistake? Of course not!
It’s just that said self-sacrifice sometimes leads to a massive load of confusion and headaches and heartaches and worry. And, just because you were able to sacrifice yourself for someone once, does not mean that you will continue to do so indefinitely, or even want to continue doing so. Since Love is Satan’s opposite, he wants to do his utmost to combat it. He wants to use our selfish desires, our tendency to protect ourselves first, and turn us away from our Maker.
See, there’s this guy. (I know, a lot of really lame conversations begin this way, and a lot of really…er…interesting ones, but bear with me here.)
He epitomizes my “dream prince”, at least to any reasonable length. He cares about me, and oh, how I care about him! But we decided that we needed to part ways for a bit—I was getting too attached, and he’s still discerning his vocation. Neither of us really wants a dating sort of relationship, and we chose to part ways now, for a couple months at least, so that our friendship can survive later on in life. That’s the gist of it, I guess, for obviously, the situation is much more complicated. I know that for his wellbeing, and my own, in the long run, that this is a good thing. Being too attached to someone, no matter how holy he is, no matter how much I care for him, no matter how much I’d like to be with him, is unhealthy. (By “too attached” I mean myself wanting to be with him no matter what, regardless of what God’s will is, because I think it must be God’s will because I want it so much. Yep. Unhealthy.)
Love is never a mistake.
I must keep repeating that to myself, because otherwise, I begin to forget it. Loving him was a choice, a choice between love and lust. By the grace of God, I chose to love. Learning how to love this wonderful fellow taught me so much, and I am a far better person because of it. God used this young man to bring me so much closer to Him, and I would never trade my spiritual growth for anything, even the earthly satisfaction of a pleasing, human relationship. Nope. Not this girl.
But also, because I chose love once, it means I need to keep choosing to love. Simply because we decided to be less close for a while definitely does NOT mean I should stop loving my dear friend. He is God’s precious child, and deserves every inch of my love because of that, for no other reason than that. I just need to learn to love him differently. After all—what if he is meant for another woman? What if (glory of glories!) he is called to the priesthood? Although my human reaction might initially be disappointment, upon learning these things, I know that I could not possibly continue to feel so. God has such great plans in store for the future, and I am inherently joyful at the prospect.
I want this young man to go to Heaven, above all things. I want to be with him there someday. After that, what I want doesn’t matter. It’s all on God. It’s His Will that counts.
I only pray that I continue to follow it, with Him supplying any required selflessness. I’m not that strong.
But Love is never a mistake.
Mairwen has written under many names in many places. Her current vocation is being an older sister to many monkeys. She wrote this article while intermittently spinning her 16 month-old godchild around on the office chair, avoiding excited keyboard smashing. She plans to graduate high school at some point, and figures she’ll probably go to some college or university for something (any help, God?). She writes and edits for the magazine Ink & Fairydust (www.iandfmag.com). She keeps the readers of this blog in her prayers, and asks for theirs.