We have two lovely recently engaged women in our midst now, and the thought makes me so joyful and excited, a little bit sad, and very hopeful too. I’m really not surprised that dear Clare is recently engaged. And I don’t mean this in any negative way to you at all Clare dear. However, there is this stereotypical thought that going to a true Catholic college makes it a lot easier to find, fall in love with, and marry that good Catholic man. To be honest, I had such thoughts when I was looking at different colleges at which to apply. I worried that if I went with a non-Catholic college, things would be a whole lot harder for me. What if I didn’t have Catholic friends? What if the guys there were jerks? What if I didn’t meet the man I was supposed to marry there? I thought that if I chose one of these other Catholic colleges – one that really didn’t meet my needs academically for what I felt God was calling me to do – then I would have things much easier, and it would be the right choice anyway.
Well, God doesn’t work the easy way. Luckily, I saw reason and am attending my top-choice college: a non-Catholic small private school of Presbyterian affiliation. And it’s not really a Christian school, but perhaps a bit more conservative than liberal arts colleges up north.
Now, is it harder to live my faith here than at, say, Thomas Aquinas College? I think it is, but I haven’t experienced the latter for comparison. It’s harder because things aren’t right in front of me: daily mass isn’t offered unless I found a ride to the local parish; the majority of students aren’t Catholic; the life doesn’t revolve around Catholic tradition, or any religious tradition for that matter. And so, no, most of my friends aren’t Catholic, though I have found one who goes to church weekly with her brother at the local parish, and others through campus ministry. Am I as close to these as some of the girls on my hall? No. Some of those girls who I’m very close to are from other Christian backgrounds, and some are from no religious background.
I was talking to one of these girlfriends about boys one day (of course), and it came up that I wanted my future husband to be Catholic. She was shocked. This girl comes from a Catholic family, but while she goes to Church sometimes and doesn’t reject God, isn’t really that religious. She didn’t think there was anything wrong with mixed marriages, both her parents being divorced and not both Catholic. I think the wish for a Catholic husband is becoming more and more rare, even among some of my pretty Catholic friends. But I don’t think this is a standard that I could ever drop. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a man who didn’t share my faith.
Being at this school, surrounded by great guys who may be Christian or atheist and are even sometimes quite attractive, but not Catholic, is hard, I won’t lie. And sometimes I wonder if it’s true I won’t find my future husband here. There are Catholic guys, but I either don’t know them, or aren’t really close to them. But then again, even if I was at a Catholic college, was there really any guarantee that I’d find my future husband? Tess graduated from the University of Notre Dame, a Catholic university yes, but she didn’t meet her fiancé until she started working out in the real world.
So we have two lovely ladies who met their fiancés through two very different circumstances. Maybe Clare did follow the predicted path of meeting her lovely future husband at school, but as she said herself, God was merciful, and this was His will for her. Tess went to a Catholic college and yet God saved a very special man for her that she had to wait longer to meet.
Perhaps I would’ve had it easier at a Catholic college – I think it’s almost a guarantee that it would have been easier because I would have been immersed in the faith rather than constantly having to seek it out, make my own time for prayer and spiritual reading, etc. But God wants me here. He knows I can handle the challenge. He wouldn’t have led me here if I couldn’t handle it. And so if I ever get those feelings of resentment that other girls got their happily ever after "the easy way," it doesn't mean I'm in any worse of a place, if I just have confidence in God.
I went to a secular university for undergraduate and graduate school. And I found my fiance all the way across the country through Ave Maria Singles ;) If you have any questions about the online dating, drop me a line. I never thought I would, and I met my future husband on that site. And he is definitely the only man I could ever marry and the love of my life. Amazing how God works.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog through Clare's mother, so I am probably old enough to be your mother. I want to put this in perspective for you. I went to Thomas Aquinas way back in the 80's and my graduating class consisted of 28 persons. Yes, I met my husband at TAC (as did my four sisters). However, in my class, less than 1/3 found their spouses at TAC. It also doesn't guarantee a happy marriage as there are a fair share of divorces among the TAC unions (although much smaller percentage than the average). It takes more than marrying an orthodox Catholic to make a marriage successful. I currently have a daughter who is a senior at one of the small Catholic colleges and she is not dating anyone. She has male friends, but none she considers marriage material (or ready for marriage yet). She is not in despair as she has Catholic girlfriends back home who met their spouses various non-college ways. Keep seeking God's will and He will make it known to you wherever He leads.
ReplyDeleteIn some ways I think it is easier to keep the faith alive in a non-Catholic setting. I went to a state college in NY and grew greatly in my faith during that time. Having friends who aren't Catholic makes you dig deeper for answers to questions and have conversations with people who will challenge you. Incidentally, I met my husband there my senior year - but he wasn't Catholic. Now he is. God works in His ways!
ReplyDeleteA lot of my friends told me I shouldn't limit myself to only Catholics--that any Christian would be fine, and they dated all different denominations--their husbands are all Catholic now because they are cradle Catholics. All my boyfriends have been Catholic, though I have been on first dates with a few Baptists and one agnostic--didn't know he was agnostic until the date--nice guy just obvious we didn't agree. I think there are levels of Catholic though--some identify as Catholic but believe in premarital relations, birth control and don' t believe in papal infalability so they might as well not date me.I would rather date a devout Baptist than a cafeteria Catholic. I think some are meant to evangelize their future husbands but I haven't come across it in my experience.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say, dear Liz: going to a Catholic college is no guarantee for meeting a future spouse, and girls who go to those schools with that expectation are often disappointed. I would definitely say that you have a better guarantee of making extraordinary Catholic FRIENDS. But a husband? While my fiance is definitely an amazing Catholic guy, the path that brought us together was not what I would have ever predicted, and the heartache involved was not something any girl envisions when she chooses a Catholic college in the hopes of finding a spouse. God's path for us is never predictable, because He can see the work that needs to be done in our souls in ways that we can't.
ReplyDeleteSo keep having confidence, because God's Will will be done in your life. If you continue to follow Him, you can be sure that things will work out, even if it involves some fear and suffering on the way. He has a plan.
Love you!
Dear Liz - I feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteI've also seen through the lives of others that those who go to college for their "MRS" degree are often, if not mostly, disappointed. Our Price Charmings will come to us regardless of what college we go to, parish we sign up with, or store where we shop for food. :) He is all powerful, all-loving, and all-seeing. Can you imagine meeting Our Lord and Him saying, "Well, I had this great guy picked out for you, but you blew it and followed what you thought were my promptings and went to a different college." I'm CONVINCED that He will provide for our spouse-needs... though I am sad sometimes that He doesn't want it for me now.
Let's pray for each other!
Thanks for your lovely comments ladies, and for showing me perhaps this stereotype isn't as common as I thought. I know God has a plan for each of us - and it usually isn't what we thought. But that doesn't make it any less perfect, because it's usually better than anything we can think of on our own, even if we don't know it at the time.
ReplyDeleteMary, I especially liked your words. I really think that even if we don't understand that God is calling us somewhere different than where we are, if we're going to miss an opportunity, as you say. Our misunderstanding is probably part of his plan too! He is so Good!
I want to agree that not everyone who goes to a Catholic college finds their spouse, in my case, husband, there. I am one of those, although I have a few friends who have found their spouses there. It has been two years since I graduated from a great Catholic college, and I'm just starting to realize that there are good Catholic guys out there who didn't go to Catholic colleges. I don't know why it has taken so long for me to figure that out, but all in God's time.
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