----by Katey Kerman
Do you strive for sainthood?
Yes or yes?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Me too.
Deep in my heart, I desire so desperately to assume a disposition of humility and an even deeper love of Christ as my heroes St. Maria Goretti and St. Joseph have.
I suppose it’s not as simple as desiring it, but the priests in my life keep telling me that it’s the first step, so I continue to desire and work toward being the best person that I could be. I pray constantly that God grant me the grace and courage to be the version of myself that He had in mind when He thought me into being.
Sometimes He helps me, other times He takes a step back for me to learn on my own.
During this Lenten season, I’ve found that the Lord has taken a step back from my life. At first, I thought I could handle it…even rejoiced at the independence He was giving to me…But as His light felt further away, I began to feel a great deal of pain rush to the forefront of my mind. Pain, not so much that others have inflicted on me, but more so brought on by a pang of sadness for all the judgment that I have passed on others through out my lifetime.
Oh, my sisters in Christ…I am so broken.
You see, my pride would have me believe that I am closer to reflecting Christ’s perfect image than I actually am. While so many other, more faith-filled and humble, saints walk in my presence, casting their smiles of sunshine and Christ’s love on others.... I have suddenly found myself sitting around and deciding whether people are even worthy of my love and affection.
Maybe this is just me…but lately I’ve found that I have an easier time sitting down with someone with no faith at all than with those that think they know everything. Or those that come to church simply out of obligation rather than love or desire to be present…
I walk into church, kneel to say my prayers before the mass begins…and soon begin watching those around me—and before I have time to even reflect on my own stream of consciousness, words begin to fill my head.
‘Danger! Avoid the boy to your right! Too prideful!’
‘Steer clear of the girls in the pew in front after mass! They’re going to preach at you without knowing your current walk of faith—Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.’
‘Stay away from him…he’s superficial and wouldn’t know Christ if He threw a loaf and fish at him…’
Or worse, ‘If they’re going to talk through the entire mass, they might as well not be here, Lord.’
Reflecting on these thoughts that I have had the audacity of thinking in the very house of the Lord makes me ill. When did I become the rightful judge of my brothers and sisters? What did they do to deserve so harsh a critique from someone who preaches love and understanding, but is obviously just as, if not more, broken than they are? Who do I think I am?
What a prideful, bratty child I am. My humanity is so frail and susceptible to sin!
Just as Simon Peter, who so denied Jesus’ precious name, needed direction, the Lord called to me and exclaimed:
“Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” {Luke 5:4}
And so I go deeper, as I try to understand all that He is trying to teach me.
And it’s only there in the depth of my soul that He speaks so quietly, whispering: Are these men and women not also flesh of my flesh? These beautifully broken creatures of the most high are not simply ‘other’, but are rather, part of the Body and Blood that you so crave in your daily life. If you crave to be near me, then do you not wish to be close to them too?
And like a light bulb, my heart is on fire.
If our brokenness is made whole through Him, and we are the Body of Christ…don’t these people bring me closer to wholesomeness just by being in their very presence?
And suddenly, I burn to speak with them…I long to pray alongside them. Our voice as one, our hearts entwined in praise of His awesomeness.
I guess I’m finally learning that Lent isn’t about some great fast or an abundance of random acts of charity, but is more about growing to love the body of Christ. For it’s beauty, it’s imperfections, it’s brokenness made whole by and through Him. This is a time to reflect on our humanity, and I encourage you, during these last days of this joyous season, to set aside your pride and learn from those around you.
Katey is a quirky, indie-Catholic kid with a passion for our Lord and the stage. She is a full time Catholic and Acting student, and in her free time is a prayer warrior and writer. She loves life, and is working her hardest to live it to the fullest, while attempting to glorify her creator in the process. She's a sucker for people with beautiful hearts and good intentions. She's just a girl trying to make it through this world so that she may humbly enter the next to be with her Divine Husband.
Do you strive for sainthood?
Yes or yes?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Me too.
Deep in my heart, I desire so desperately to assume a disposition of humility and an even deeper love of Christ as my heroes St. Maria Goretti and St. Joseph have.
I suppose it’s not as simple as desiring it, but the priests in my life keep telling me that it’s the first step, so I continue to desire and work toward being the best person that I could be. I pray constantly that God grant me the grace and courage to be the version of myself that He had in mind when He thought me into being.
Sometimes He helps me, other times He takes a step back for me to learn on my own.
During this Lenten season, I’ve found that the Lord has taken a step back from my life. At first, I thought I could handle it…even rejoiced at the independence He was giving to me…But as His light felt further away, I began to feel a great deal of pain rush to the forefront of my mind. Pain, not so much that others have inflicted on me, but more so brought on by a pang of sadness for all the judgment that I have passed on others through out my lifetime.
Oh, my sisters in Christ…I am so broken.
You see, my pride would have me believe that I am closer to reflecting Christ’s perfect image than I actually am. While so many other, more faith-filled and humble, saints walk in my presence, casting their smiles of sunshine and Christ’s love on others.... I have suddenly found myself sitting around and deciding whether people are even worthy of my love and affection.
Maybe this is just me…but lately I’ve found that I have an easier time sitting down with someone with no faith at all than with those that think they know everything. Or those that come to church simply out of obligation rather than love or desire to be present…
I walk into church, kneel to say my prayers before the mass begins…and soon begin watching those around me—and before I have time to even reflect on my own stream of consciousness, words begin to fill my head.
‘Danger! Avoid the boy to your right! Too prideful!’
‘Steer clear of the girls in the pew in front after mass! They’re going to preach at you without knowing your current walk of faith—Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.’
‘Stay away from him…he’s superficial and wouldn’t know Christ if He threw a loaf and fish at him…’
Or worse, ‘If they’re going to talk through the entire mass, they might as well not be here, Lord.’
Reflecting on these thoughts that I have had the audacity of thinking in the very house of the Lord makes me ill. When did I become the rightful judge of my brothers and sisters? What did they do to deserve so harsh a critique from someone who preaches love and understanding, but is obviously just as, if not more, broken than they are? Who do I think I am?
What a prideful, bratty child I am. My humanity is so frail and susceptible to sin!
Just as Simon Peter, who so denied Jesus’ precious name, needed direction, the Lord called to me and exclaimed:
“Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” {Luke 5:4}
And so I go deeper, as I try to understand all that He is trying to teach me.
And it’s only there in the depth of my soul that He speaks so quietly, whispering: Are these men and women not also flesh of my flesh? These beautifully broken creatures of the most high are not simply ‘other’, but are rather, part of the Body and Blood that you so crave in your daily life. If you crave to be near me, then do you not wish to be close to them too?
And like a light bulb, my heart is on fire.
If our brokenness is made whole through Him, and we are the Body of Christ…don’t these people bring me closer to wholesomeness just by being in their very presence?
And suddenly, I burn to speak with them…I long to pray alongside them. Our voice as one, our hearts entwined in praise of His awesomeness.
I guess I’m finally learning that Lent isn’t about some great fast or an abundance of random acts of charity, but is more about growing to love the body of Christ. For it’s beauty, it’s imperfections, it’s brokenness made whole by and through Him. This is a time to reflect on our humanity, and I encourage you, during these last days of this joyous season, to set aside your pride and learn from those around you.
Katey is a quirky, indie-Catholic kid with a passion for our Lord and the stage. She is a full time Catholic and Acting student, and in her free time is a prayer warrior and writer. She loves life, and is working her hardest to live it to the fullest, while attempting to glorify her creator in the process. She's a sucker for people with beautiful hearts and good intentions. She's just a girl trying to make it through this world so that she may humbly enter the next to be with her Divine Husband.
thanks for the slap in the face!!! the last week and a bit of lent will be focused on this. thank you!!!
ReplyDelete"Maybe this is just me…but lately I’ve found that I have an easier time sitting down with someone with no faith at all than with those that think they know everything. Or those that come to church simply out of obligation rather than love or desire to be present…"
ReplyDeleteNope, not just you! ;)Been there, done that. I grew up with some strict Catholic friends who were very judgmental of others and it bothered me a lot--because we're all broken and in need of his grace. It's so easy for conservative Catholics to become prideful--myself included. I tend to avoid those who have that attitude of pride...yet then I realize I'm judging them for being judgmental! ;)Lord, have mercy on me. :)
He does.
DeleteUnfortunately, I too have a tendency to be judgmental and critical. It's worse when I tell myself that because I'm not saying anything to the people, and trying to be nice, I'm still thinking it in my head. I have no right to judge. And I would be devastated if people were thinking the same things as me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the wonderful reflection!