Viewing Emotional Chastity through Fictional Characters

Quick apology about the lack of posts and activity here lately. More about that later... For now, I spontaneously felt like sharing some feelings and thoughts milling about my head today. 

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OK, I mean, come on: how cute are they?

If you know me in real life, then you probably know I have a small place in my heart for science fiction. Maybe it’s the fact I’m a scientist, or that I have a big imagination. But while I love my British historical fiction, my current “mini-obsession” for the entrance into summer is the ABC show “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” a spin-off from the Marvel “Avengers” franchise. While the series is overly violent and frequently makes me mad because the evil forces are just so powerful and cunning, one of the best parts to me is the science dynamic-duo consisting of characters Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons, or “FitzSimmons.” 

I can’t tell you how often I go for the science-nerds in TV shows or movies. This instance is no different. The two characters enter the series with a deep friendship, like brother-sister bond, and serve as comic relief with their adventures helping the team escape from dangerous missions. Throughout the first season, we see how much they really care for each other – and they’re close enough that in one scene they’re bickering or arguing, and in the other they’re saving each other’s lives and saying sweet things to each other.

Fitz and Simmons both proclaim each other to be best friends in the whole world. That is evident in the way they interact and work for the better of the other person.

As the season progresses it begins to be clear that Fitz cares a little more for Jemma Simmons, triggered by the emergence of a new operations officer who Simmons takes a small fancy too. Fitz is definitely jealous of the interest Agent Triplett holds and wonders why he’s so special. We don’t get any professions of love from Fitz though – just more caring looks and jealousy on his part.

That is, until the Season finale. I don’t want to spoil it too much – since if you’re into this sort of genre, I recommend the series – but Fitz ends up showing Simmons – with his life – how he really feels.

OK. Cue tears and all the emotional feels. I definitely like to live vicariously through other people’s relationships. Even fictional ones. I want them to get together! They’re both so innocent, and don’t really even understand their feelings or what to do with them. Yet my mind will be satisfied with nothing less than a reunion and a romantic love story between the two.

But this got me thinking. Before realizing there was something more romantic on the part of Fitz for his best friend in the world, I was happy to see them love each other platonically. It was refreshing to see a male-female duo live and work beside each other just as friends. But I think that culture has trained us to hope for nothing short of romance between two compatible characters. And the carry those hopes to real life too.

How many times have you seen friends tease a girl about how good she’d be with her best guy friend? “You’re both so great together and so compatible! You have to get together!”

And then the girl begins to wonder if maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. We want to see other people get together and be perfect, happy couples. We “ship” characters on TV. I’ll be honest: I’m shipping FitzSimmons very much right now, and eagerly await season 2. I have a sinking feeling we won’t get the happy ending that’s expected, and I’m bracing myself for the frustration that brings me as I watch through the next season.

But let me go back to uncover the problem here. We’re almost not OK with having a platonic male-female duo. We want any possibility of character chemistry to resolve into romance.

I don’t really think that’s real life though. Real life is hard, and yes, we frequently have feelings for other people that we don’t quite understand. But that doesn’t mean every girl-guy friendship should turn romantic. What is that saying regarding our thoughts about “emotional chastity?” I’m pretty sure projecting our desires for romance onto other character pairings isn’t entirely healthy when those desires become more serious than playful.

And so I’m writing about this. Writing helps me process things, step back from emotions, evaluate the situation. Because isn’t self-sacrifice more important than romantic feelings?

How can we expect to live out chastity in our own lives when we don’t expect characters in TV or movies to act the same? Yes, we’ve come to anticipate risqué relationships in television. From a distance they almost seem romantic. You want the two characters to get together…say the romantic things…do the “romantic” things….

Um. Yeah. Not so good though.

I think that may be why I was so easily attracted to the FitzSimmons relationship – they were platonic throughout nearly the entire first season. They truly cared about each other, and sacrificed for each other. But that doesn’t mean they need to end up together! As much as it would make my heart so much happier in my chest. Real life isn’t like that, and we can’t project our desires for romance onto other couples, especially not fictional couples. It may seem like a safe outlet, but I think ultimately it’s messing with our minds and emotions a little more than is healthy.

I’m curious to hear what you think about fictional couples and their relationships, or lack thereof. Why can’t we all just rest easy, and enjoy a platonic couple – demonstrating real service and love through their actions – without also desiring a romantic conclusion?

When God Sends You a Nice Catholic Boy, and then Says No

Am I always writing about relationships? *cough* Is that part of my problem? Probably.

Today in the mail I got a new book called "The Keys to Life: Everyday Wisdom from Saint John Paul II." First of all, I'm a JPII fangirl so I'm very excited about this book! It's full of JPII quotes and other tidbits. The first page I turned to was so timely. Another reminder of God's presence in my life, and a segue into my topic today.

"When a young man or woman recognizes that authentic love is a precious treasure, they are also enabled to live their sexuality in accordance with the divine plan, rejecting the false models which are, unfortunately, all too frequently publicized and very widespread."

And then some advice from the editors:

"Entrust your relationships to God (especially a dating relationship) and pray today for an increase in purity of mind and body. Commit to saying a prayer for purity before every date you go on."

I wanted to write about acceptance today. Resignation. But those are actions with such a negative connotation. So instead, I'm going to write about joy.

Because while I might expect myself to feel sad, rejected, alone, miserable -- I don't. I feel joyful. I feel secure in God's arms. I feel trusting in His plan, that He's got this. I feel blessed for the great Catholic friends I have. I feel complete with God's love.

You see, He keeps telling me no. But it's not an empty "no," it's a beautiful "no" filled with such great Love. He doesn't want me to settle for anything. He doesn't want me to walk too far down the wrong path. He doesn't want to let go of my hand. He won't let me go and get myself in trouble. Instead, He's patient with me while I worry about relationships and boys and feelings. And He's clear in telling me to stop, that the time is not now. To say no and wait. But to realize all that I'm getting by saying no.

I'm getting God all to myself. I don't have to share my love with anyone -- just Him. He gets my entire heart, and then I can share His love with my friends and family. And I'm literally bursting with happiness in His arms. He's holding my heart and keeping it safe, and nurturing it when it's wounded.

I'm getting wonderful Catholic guy friends. One of my biggest problems is I've never had strong male friend figures in my life. I've never had people who know how to treat a woman, who really care about me, who are looking out for me, who consider me a great friend. Naturally, since I've never had a faithful Catholic who knows how to treat a lady, obviously when one comes along he simply must be made to marry me, right? (Seriously, my brain is a very weird thing sometimes...I blame college.)

I'm getting proof of God's grace. He let this little heartbreak happen. And then He immediately gave me the grace to get over it. Like, I wasn't even sad. I didn't cry, there was no ice cream. He gave me the grace to trust Him and keep moving forward.

As Grace wrote, why does being single have to be such a bad thing?? We tell ourselves that it's a "great time of blessing," and that we're "grateful for this time with God," but do we really believe it? I say I don't want a boyfriend and that I want to wait for the man God has for me. And yet I let myself get involved with emotional crises and then worry my head off. But it's OK, because God is very patient with me -- more patient than I deserve, especially because such incessant worrying takes my focus away from God. Not a good thing at all.

God knows what learning experiences I need. And He gives them to me, even when it does hurt. Every time something like this happens -- and yes, it's happened a lot -- God is pulling me just a little bit closer to His heart. Pretty soon, I won't be able to leave again, and I won't want to either. And isn't that the goal? Even if I end up happily married to a good Catholic man one day in the future, God still gets my first and complete Love. Then I can share God's overflowing Love with my husband.

Maybe I'll finally learn not to freak out every time a decent Catholic gentleman decides he wants to get to know me and be friends with me. That's such a novel concept in our secular dating culture. But I think I'm finally getting God's point. I'm just gonna chill, relax, wait. But it isn't acceptance and resignation. It's a joyful running towards God so He can Love me until the end of time.

The Truth about Guys

When it comes to emotions and matters of the heart, Life suddenly becomes Very Complicated. I know, girls. I've been there.

Here's a few things I've learned along the way...no doubt I'll learn many new ones. I've a sneaking suspicion Life gets even more Complicated when it comes to the opposite sex as you get older. But here's some of the ones I've picked up so far.

Boys are very different from girls.

You'll rant and rave and burst into tears about it, but it's really better if you just accept the hopeless, unchangeable truth now.

Listening to slow love songs (and country songs) when you're feeling a bit neglected or heartbroken. Is. Always. A. Bad. Idea.

You'll probably do it anyways - because who doesn't love making themselves feel miserable? - but it's really not smart. It never makes anything better. Just makes you need a box of tissues and alllll the chocolate. So save the love songs when you're much more cheerful and full of pep and optimism.

Watching romantic movies.

See above. Sobbing through About Time or Pride and Prejudice when you're already heartbroken to begin with is just a baaaaaad idea. 

That boy that you're over the moon about, the one you're imagining waiting for you at the end of the isle on your wedding day...you know, the one that makes your stomach flip flop and makes you happy? Chances are, as much as you don't want to hear it, you probably will be thinking "What was I thinking when I thought I liked him???" next year.

It's the way of life, sweet peas. We go through many stages - and crushes - in our lives. So all these hopes, disappointments, and tears will be a thing of the past. And that's okay.

Chocolate helps. 

Always. Frozen yogurt or ice cream is excellent also.

If he asks you to dance, and you really want to, say yes. 

If he doesn't ask, ask him.

It's a dance, not a marriage proposal. (This applies to platonic relationships also - if you'd like to dance with the boy and he's not a complete stranger, he'll probably say yes. If he doesn't, remember that you have the right to decline dances too...it's a free country. Don't be deeply offended.)

Your mother really does know best. 

As much as it kills you to admit it.

When a guy says, "I have to go, but I'll talk to you later/I'll talk you later, okay?/ Ttyl!" it doesn't mean he's planning to text/call/finish the conversation later that day at a specific time. 

Nope. It's just a casual form of "Goodbye, I'm sure we'll end up bumping into one another some time and then we'll have another fascinating conversation, but 'til then, cheerio!"

I know. I know. It took me at least three months to accept this one. And to stop checking my phone. Because "he promised to text/call/talk later, so he must have something important to say! Right??"

Nope. Sadly. Remember #1? Different as nightingales and cuckoos, I'm telling you.

Run after God, not a boy - and then look around and see who is keeping up.

I'm the one who still has to be told that, even at 21...but it's so true, girls. We talk about love and families and the longing in our hearts and say "If only he liked me back", but I think we all realize deep down that we really want a good, strong man. One who is not only deeply rooted in his faith and his love for God, but is also a man who will encourage and help us on our walk of faith. I don't know about you girls, but I don't want a boy for that.

I want a man. A man of God.

 And you should too.

What We Shouldn't Learn from Chick Flicks

---by Rebecca Willen

One should not watch more than one chick flick at a time unless separated by a good Indiana Jones or perhaps an episode of MacGyver!  I made the mistake of watching Stardust and 27 Dresses two nights in a row.  I then made the nearly fatal attempt to watch The Devil Wears Prada immediately after 27 Dresses. I only made it through about 10 minutes of that last one.  I warn you, for the sake of your own mental safety, never repeat my mistake.  If these kinds of movies, and worse, are what teenage girls are watching nowadays... I understand why society is so messed up.

Okay, all or most of you, probably know exactly what I'm going to tell you.  However, I will also remind you that you, my female readers, will also pop a chick flick in the computer or tv every now and then... just when you want something "brainless" or something "romantic" or something "just to pass the time".  Allow me to remind you that images, once placed in the mind, can never be erased.  Thoughts, once thought, damage.  You know things are bad, so you think that they can't affect you because you know them for what they are.

Yet, knowing a thing’s reality does not negate its effect on your imagination.  What you read and what you watch will inevitably affect you.  Maybe the effects will be slight, but after a while the slight things build up, and someday you hear yourself saying something that should never come out of your mouth, but has been conditioned by the images you put into your head.  Or worse, you find yourself doing something you never would have done.  I'm giving you a worst-case scenario here - but think about it.

I noticed a couple of damaging points in Stardust and 27 Dresses, things which I've noticed in many other romantic comedies that I almost regret having watched.  Now, not everything about these movies is bad.  The main character in Stardust does realize he's chasing a girl who's not worth it and remembers the prize he has close at hand.  The main character in 27 Dresses does take her selflessness to the point that she can't love because she doesn't love herself.  But I think you'll agree that the following problems are signs of a deep-seated misunderstanding of men and women, love, and the role of marriage in human life.

1. Sleeping together before marriage - not just outside of marriage.  

DON'T get me wrong.  Extra-marital sex is wrong.  Period.  End of story.  But these chick flicks take sleeping together to a whole new level.  We're not talking just free love and the occasional short-term fling.  It's basically implied and promoted that either a) you can't possibly know the other person is your true love for sure unless you've slept with them; or b) sex is the necessary and inevitable reaction to two people discovering that they might love each other.  Why, I ask you?  Why is it that a man and a woman deciding that they might (and I say might because they haven't actually talked about it) MIGHT love each other, is followed without any other preliminaries, with the most sacred, holy, special act of human life?  (I except, of course, the Sacraments.  Natural human life, I mean.)

2. Similarly - is kissing seriously just a casual thing?

Your standards are all off if you have to kiss someone to find out whether or not there's a "spark".  If "love" or a "relationship" (of course at this point they aren't really what they profess to be) is based on sensuality, no wonder you never get anywhere.  Is nothing saved, nothing special, nothing sacred?  Even a hug is in some way a giving of yourself - you're letting your guard, your defenses down; you're saying in essence "I trust you with my life, for I am now without defense against you or any other."  A long hug is a complete breakdown of your defenses and brings a level of physical relaxation that can and should only be given to one you trust completely.  Kissing is, from all I've heard and seen, even more so an emotional letting-down of any barriers, a giving of oneself only short of the great act of love.  Either we as women don't care about ourselves enough to keep ourselves safe, or we don't even realize there's something worth guarding in who we are.  We women are willing to give ourselves away, no questions asked.

Girls, don't do this to yourselves, please.  Your femininity is so precious.  You have so much to give.  Don't waste who you are, what you are, on someone who could be as fleeting as the wind.

  

All of my comments here apply to point 1 too and even more so to that topic!!

3. Why must women profess love first?  Why is it "self-affirming" to admit to the guy you like that you like him?  Why should the chase be reversed and the pursued become the pursuer?

This is, to be honest, probably one of my worst pet peeves about the modern world.  Honestly, there's a reason why for millenia, the guy does the pursuing and the girl is pursued.  Men have to fight for something if they respect and love it, and they won't respect or love it if they don't have to fight for it.  Men go to war for a country that they love - and say what you will, the warriors are the strongest patriots.  If something isn't a challenge, then it isn't worth it.  Girls, you should understand this - remember the pretty dress you saw, desired, and then saved up for and bought later with your hard-earned money?  Remember the feeling of satisfaction and how you looked ten times prettier in it because you appreciated it more?  Guys are, and have always been, the same way.  Men in particular, respect and love something more when they have to fight for it, work for it, wonder about it and strive for it.

As much as it hurts every time you look at that guy you fell for, and all you want to do is tell him how happy you are every time you're around him, don't tell him.

This advice I can honestly tell you from my own experience.

One reason is that it will keep your emotions far more intact if you don't share them with him, and then something comes up.  Maybe you find out he has a girlfriend at home, maybe he moves away, maybe you find out something about him that kills your emotions for him, maybe it's just a summer crush that dies away - that's a heck of a lot easier to deal with when you haven't told him how you feel.  It saves awkwardness and general emotional wear-and-tear.

A second reason is that handing yourself to a guy on a silver platter before you even know how he feels, or especially if you know he likes another girl (hello, Yvaine from Stardust), you're throwing yourself away.  And there goes your dignity and respect, whether he accepts or returns your love,  or whether he gently rejects you.  Even if he tells you he likes you too, there is a lessening of his respect and his joy in having won you, if he didn't really win you.  (Jane from 27 Dresses, I'm not convinced that Kevin wouldn't have been happier if you had just shown up at the party, put yourself in his line of sight, and smiled at him.  Pretty sure he'd have done the chasing himself, all he needed to know is that you'd forgiven him and he had a chance.)

Most importantly, though, if he's worth telling your emotions, then he's totally worth waiting for.  Now, I'm not saying you can't figure out whether he's actually got any potential or whether you might as well give up and nurse your emotions right now.  Keeping your emotions to a friendship, especially when it looks hopeless, is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your single years.  You want so hard to have a relationship with him, you get desperate wondering if there's any hope, you feel like even if he turned you down you wouldn't care because you just want closure.  Okay, first - is it really worth it to throw yourself away like that, by telling him first that you like him?  There are other ways of finding out whether he likes you or not.  Second, if there's any potential for him to like you, wouldn't you prefer that he figure it out on his own and then be able to work to win your heart and your hand?  It is worth waiting.  It is worth strengthening a friendship with him so that you can know each other better - it will make your relationship even greater when everything finally does come to fruition.

Chick flicks have their place.  But don’t blunt yourself to the genuine problems that are clearly visible in these summer popcorn movies.  True romance is not the kind that is found on the screen, but the kind that is found, struggled through, and kept holy, through faith and virtue.

Rebecca Willen is a student at Christendom College, formerly homeschooled; a loyal Catholic; a defender of the liberal arts; a lover of tradition and antiquity; a devotee of the printed word and all things related to literature; one who perpetually haunts the nearest available library and bookstore; an avid musician; and hopefully a future editor.

Etiquette of Today, or the Lack Thereof

While perhaps the topic is arguable, I think it's pretty safe to say that much of the etiquette in this world has "gone down the drain".  I was thinking over matters: how a man no longer stands when a women enters a room, there is precious little door-holding, and less "let me take that for you" said to a woman carrying something heavy.

Now, there are some people which are excluded from this manner-less group, such as many of you reading this post.  I'm sure you all acts like proper ladies and are surrounded by stately gentlemen.  Nevertheless, humor me, and read the rest. : )

Where was I?  Oh, yes...

Why don't we do these things anymore?

Men like to help women, and (whether we're going to admit it or not) women like being helped.

Why is etiquette and common courtesy constantly deteriorating?

Well.  In all honesty, I don't think we can blame solely the men, even though neglect it is more obvious on their part because they have so many more responsibilities.  

It all starts with us- the ladies.

But where does the problem initially lie?

Well, yes... we can partially blame the culture we live in today.  Ev-er-y-thing is trying to tell us that men and women are entirely equal and there are no differences between them.  We are constantly fed the lie: what men can do, women can do.  The sad part is women feel the need to do the man's job and surpass him in doing so.

Nonetheless, part of the blame goes to those who strive to be ladies, but don't encourage others to do so.

So!  I figured, "Why not go over simple steps on being a lady?"  Just fyi... I'm not a pro at this, by any means.  These things just came to my mind. Perhaps I've uncovered something here, perhaps not.  : )

1. A virtuous life is a given.  A lady is endless charity, kindness, goodness, self-control, etc.  I'm going to assume that we've all heard plenty about virtue; however, and move on to the more specific etiquette behavior between girls and guys.

2. When the guy offers to help- let him.  I read this tip on someone's blog before and it greatly intrigued me.  I always find the first words coming out of my mouth, after a guy offers to help, to be, "That's okay.  I got it."  Don't do that.  Most likely, the gentleman offered because he wanted to help.  We all like feeling needed.  So, let him help.  Note: Don't make it awkward by exaggerating the deed done.  A simple, "Oh, gee thanks!" with suit everyone just fine.

3. Don't make him do everything, though.  We don't need to go from one extreme to the other.  Help him in your feminine way, but let him do the manly work.

4. Act like... royalty.  Not in a prideful way, but in the way of setting an example for those around you.  Sit and stand up straight, speak gracefully, use proper grammar, include everyone in the conversation, dress properly and modestly, but not so all eyes are on you, and generally make everyone feel very comfortable.  Raise yourself above the pettiness of stinging remarks, harsh feelings, and gossip.  Royalty would never take interest in such little things.

5. Guard his heart and your own.  When being a friend to a guy, be his friend.  Sounds simple, right?  But, it's not.  It changes for every situation and there are so many different views on what's crossing the line.  However, I do believe that if we all look deep enough, we'll know the obvious ones (keeping your distance, avoiding certain topics, etc.).  Keep in mind that this guy who you're friends with may very well one day end up married to a girl other than you!  You wouldn't want a girl taking bits and pieces of your future husband's heart.  So, do both of you a favor and keep things under control.

6.  Be comfortable.  You don't have to start saying "thee" and "thou" or always look flawless.  Being a lady goes far beyond the outer appearance and behavior.  Make sure you remain yourself.  That is most important.  Don't change who you are in becoming a lady; you should be able to be yourself and be a lady.

7.  Get pride out of the picture.  Yeah... so I guess I am going into virtue.  If you remember only one thing from this post, remember this: be humble.  Don't draw attention to yourself.  If you want to be a lady simply because of the praise and compliments you will receive, you will never attain your goal.  Humility is the key to being a lady.  It is also the key to every one of the points made above.

Once humility is conquered look how easily the other points fall into place:

  Point #1: If you can conquer pride, other vices will seem like a breeze.

  Point #2: In being humble, you'll know that you do need help in life.  So, "yes" that gentlemen, who just offered help, can take one of the three bags you're carrying.

  Point #3: Everyone needs work in their life.  Ladies are included in "everyone".

  Point #4: Humility teaches us that we all have our own faults with both virtue, grammar, etc. that we should strive to amend.  Being the good example can often be very humbling.

  Point #5: Through humility, we see that we are not to play with a thing so delicate as a heart.

  Point #6: All eyes aren't on us, so don't think that you'll have an audience watching your every move- be comfortable.

Lastly, pray often.  A close relationship with God will show us how small we are, how petty our wishes seem, and the beauty of a virtuous life.

Rose M. is from a small family with only one older sister.  She is 15 years old and in her sophomore year of highschool using Seton Home Study school.  She have about a million and one different interests including: baking, tap dancing, singing, ballet, canoeing, sewing, reading, and writing. She blogs at http://thegoldenroadblog.blogspot.com/

Getting over him - the Audrey Hepburn way

---by Paula Peters

Rachel remained close friends with Ross years after their break-up. Jim and Pam remained working in the same office after Pam said she didn't want anything with Jim. Penny still lives across the hall from Leonard. All the while they undermined each others relationships and happiness. They never moved on.

If we are going to learn how to deal with breakups we cannot resort to modern pop culture. We need to do it the old school way. And by old school I mean Audrey Hepburn.

Audrey Hepburn fans have all seen the classic Sabrina. Non-Audrey Hepburn fans can check the modern version with Harrison Ford and Greg Kinnear which is also great.

The story is simple: Sabrina is the young and naive "chauffeur's daughter" who is in love with David, the rich playboy way out of her league. She spends her days spying on him and nurturing feelings who will never be corresponded.

Haven't we've all been there? Maybe we like someone but they don't like us back. Or we are in a relationship but the other person decides to end it. How do we deal with that? Obsessing over the person and refusing to let go?

No, I say let's play it classy and learn from Audrey. Actually let's learn from her father. Sabrina's father wisely realizes that Sabrina's infatuation is harming her and that Sabrina and David living in the same house might be a problem.

He acknowledges the truth: Sabrina and David are not going to be a couple. It's hard analyzing our lives like this but we must. This is actually why the sitcoms I mentioned earlier are so popular, they are fantasies. Deep down we all wish the boy we love would come crawling back to us one day. If there isn't a real possibility of this happening, it's time to move on. And Sabrina does just that - literally. Her father sends her to Paris to study cooking.

I'm not suggesting you move to Paris, though if you have the means I definitely recommend it. What I'm saying is change airs. Go on vacation, get away for the weekend, explore your city, spend some time in a relative or friend's house.

Just don't sit around your house staring at a window. Don't stalk him (either physically or through Facebook), don't live in denial, don't jeopardize your ex's new relationships, don't enter new relationships just to make another person jealous.

But most importantly, even if you do move physically make sure that you move mentally. The movie is very realistic in the sense. Sabrina moves to Paris but her mind is still in David's house.

Now that you are in this exciting new place, be there. Sabrina makes new friends, meets new people, goes to different places, learns new things, finds new hobbies. When she arrived in Paris, Sabrina's whole world was David. When she started broadening her world, suddenly her mind didn't have space for David anymore.

Sabrina is young and when we are young it's easy to let the person we love fill our whole lives. We put them in pedestals and forget about ourselves. That's not healthy and no one likes that.

If you allow me, let me throw in a piece of advice. When we suffer there needs to be learning. If we don't learn then it's just pain. I'm terrible at this, partly because I'm a spoiled brat but also because it's very hard. So, I just ask God to help me. I ask Him to help me see what He wants me to learn from this experience. While I'm at it I also ask God to heal my heart and to teach me how to love and forgive.

God wants us to love and to be loved. Let's trust God and, like Sabrina, do our part. (God will definitely do His).

Paula lives in Brazil and recently majored in English. She spends way too much time watching movies and blogging about them at  The Culture Enthusiast.. Oh, and she really wishes she could be more like Audrey Hepburn (don't we all?).

GKC on Women

Dale Ahlquist, the president of the American Chesterton Society, has frequently boasted that G.K. Chesterton said something about everything and said it better than anyone else. Well, that includes women!

“Women are the only realists. 

Their whole object in life is to pit their realism against the extravagant, excessive,

 and occasionally drunken idealism of men.”

“If you convey to a woman that something should be done, 

there is always the dreadful danger that 

she may suddenly do it.”

GKC’s attitude of deep respect and wonder towards women revealed itself in nothing so beautiful as in his love for his own wife, Frances Chesterton. She was the first to lead him to Christ, and by a marvelous turn of providence, in the end he was the one to lead her to the Catholic Faith. Of all his writings, the only work he thought worthy of dedicating to her was The Ballad of the White Horse, and in the dedication to his wife he wrote

                                   Therefore I bring these rhymes to you

                                  Who brought the cross to me,

                                  Since on you flaming without flaw, 

                                  I saw the sign that Guthrum saw

                                 When he let break his ships of awe,

                                 And laid peace on the sea.

                                       . . .                                                     

                                 And I thought, "I will go with you,

                                As man with God has gone,

                                And wander with a wandering star,

                               The wandering heart of things that are,

                               The fiery cross of love and war

                               That like yourself, goes on.

          

Beautiful words, indeed! But I think the most beautiful mingling of literature and love that every came from GK’s pen was the letter in which he proposed to Frances:

There are four lamps of thanksgiving always before me.

The first is my creation out of the same earth as such a woman as you.

The second is that I have not with all my faults gone after strange women.

The third is that I have tried to love everything alive in dim preparation for loving you.

The fourth— No words can express this.

Here ends my previous existence.

Take it.

It led me to you.

         

The Flip-side of Chivalry

--from my blog, God's Spies

(The Shop Around the Corner, 1940) 

All of my brothers were trained from a young age to always follow some basic standards of chivalry: Open the door for people. Give someone else your seat. Let others go first. Naturally, I picked up on these principles, too; to my mind, it was simply a question of good manners. So, when a young gentleman I know offered me his seat at a recent gathering where there weren’t enough chairs to go around, my initial reaction was to thank him but assure him I was quite alright without one, as was perfectly true. But then I realized: how do we expect our boys to be gentlemen if we won’t let them be?

Catholic websites are overflowing with articles—usually by women—about how important it is for men to be chivalrous, and how sadly lacking in chivalry many men are today. (Clare has an excellent archived post about how we often forget that for a man, being a true gentleman entails so much more than simply opening doors for women.) But there’s another side to chivalry—the flip-side. As young women in society, we have a special role in being on the receiving end of chivalry. In a certain sense, in today’s world it is actually up to women whether men act like men.

Our culture is laboring under almost a century of feminist agitprop, and all sorts of strange side-effects are now rising to the surface. A student can get a degree in something called “Women’s Studies,” for instance, but there simply isn’t anything called “Men’s Studies.” Movies for the last 25 years at least have been full of women who can kung-fu kick their male companions to kingdom come, shoot straighter than them, and hold their liquor better. They bossily take charge of situations, immediately deem their male sidekicks immature and incapable, and occasionally swear to punctuate their “toughness.” In other words, they imitate the less admirable qualities of men. This cliché has become so ingrained in society that too often the stereotypes are accepted without question or protest.

It’s exactly this sort of situation that kills chivalry. If chivalry dies, it is our fault—the fault of women, at least in part. It is the fault of women when they usurp what is properly the role of men. When they push themselves to the front, and automatically take charge of all of life’s sundry dilemmas, they can impede the men around them from stepping up to the plate and being truly chivalrous and self-sacrificing.

Now, this requires a fine line of distinction. This does not mean that women shouldn’t have careers or management positions, or that a woman has to let a foolish man take the lead just because he’s a man. But it does mean allowing good men to assume the roles of leadership and of protection that come naturally to them. A man can’t step into his boots if a woman is already wearing them herself. Quite simply, women must allow men to be chivalrous by not getting in the way of their chivalry.

It’s sometimes hard to do this. A young man I know told me that he once let a girl lead him while they were dancing. “It was terrifying,” he said, “I never knew what was going to come next.” He had had a glimpse of the other side of the situation, and realized that women don’t have it easy. Women have to work at their role of receiving chivalry, just as men must work at their role of being chivalrous. If they don’t both fulfill their roles properly, the whole relationship, like a dance, doesn’t work. I’m used to being self-sufficient and independent. I am perfectly able to open a door on my own, carry moderately heavy loads, wait my turn in lines behind a guy, etc. But it is actually up to me—up to all women—to allow men to be chivalrous, or they never can. With practice, there are little things I’ve learned to do to help me pursue this goal: for example, waiting that extra second to let the fellow walking alongside me reach the door first, so he at least has the opportunity to hold it open for me, instead of pushing through on my own.

In My Heart Lies South, Elizabeth Borton de Trevino tells how she, an American woman, met and married an amorous Mexican and spent the rest of her life learning to appreciate the Mexican culture. One of the cultural standards to which she had to adjust was a certain old-fashioned chivalry in which the women did not insist on being totally independent at all times. Her sage Mexican mother-in-law, Mamacita, explained the situation to her, in a teasing tongue-in-cheek way:

“Men are not very brave,” she says, “Otherwise God would have arranged that they bear the children. . . . So it is up to the women to make them practice being valiant . . . Let them, every day or every week, do something that strengthens their will against pain or danger. . . The man who performs a brave act before a lady will love her very much, for she has seen him do it. But if instead, she pushes him away and acts with courage to save him from some physical danger, he will feel robbed of his virility, and he will never feel toward her in the same way.”

What Mamacita says is partly jest, but the lesson she references is very true. Men and women compliment each other; they have distinctive virtues that help them to balance out each other’s flaws. If we want men to be strong, admirable, chivalrous gentlemen, then the battle starts here—with us. We must examine ourselves and see if our lack of feminine virtues is failing to help them be true men. Life is a dance. Let the men lead.

A Defense of Dancing

Whatever happened to dancing, real dancing? Why don’t young people know how to dance anymore? Take any social celebration on a large scale---wedding receptions, for instance. Sometimes, at the beginning of the evening, they’ll play some oldies for which the Baby Boomers will get up and shuffle once around the floor. Then, as the evening goes on, the DJ passes through the generations till at the height of the night, no one is dancing in pairs—everyone is dancing in cramped, disorganized groups: twisting and bouncing and making up dance moves on a solo basis, to the latest hip-hop and funk.

Once, I decided I really wanted to know how to dance; so my brother and I taught ourselves how to do “the Bop.” We only knew a few moves, but we danced together, and loved it—at the Fourth of July picnics in town, at the wedding receptions, etc.—and we invariably got comments and compliments from all sorts, young and old, who said they loved to watch us and that it looked like fun. Then, when I arrived at Christendom, I discovered that there is a dance almost every month. Soon I had learned basic swing, waltzing, box step, contra, and even a little tango. More than that, I got to know the wonderful Christendom gents who danced their feet off to make sure every girl got a chance to dance; I got to know better, too, the other girls as we chatted on the sides between dances. But outside of Christendom, it is very seldom I find people who really know how to dance.

Dancing in pairs, in a definite pattern and style, is one of the social customs that fell somewhat by the wayside in the sexual revolution of the past century. As rules about sexuality and social standards about the roles of men and women were thrown out the window to accommodate liberal feminists, so did other things that involved rules for men and women together, like dancing. People abandoned the dancing patterns of swing and started dancing solo, dancing “freestyle.” A few generations later, most teens today hardly know what real dancing is.

And yet, there are a thousand reasons to learn to dance. You learn to trust, learn to follow and lead, build friendships, grow in respect for each other—and even get the best exercise. But I feel there is a much more important reason for dancing in society today: dancing builds community.

There is no community without communion, and dancing is a form of communion. You and your partner, or you and the entire room, move together in a certain pattern, unified by that common goal and by the rhythm and flow of the music. The pattern—a complicated “lady’s chain” or simple two-step—is the set of rules, the structure, the boundary lines that keep you together. All communion requires a boundary of some sort, because all communion is a sort of binding—a bond. In a friendship, the implicit boundary line is a trust, the tacit belief that you will not betray or deceive one another. In a dance, the rules are the steps you follow. Like a train on its tracks, you can move all the freer when you stick to these boundary lines. They are what make the dance possible—and ultimately, they are what make it fun.

In his commentary on The Divine Comedy, G.K. Chesterton had some words to say about dancing. He realized that a cultural shift in the attitude toward dancing is a mark of modern times:

“. . . Dance stands . . . for order. The dance is, in its nature, a rhythmic and recurrent thing, returning upon itself and therefore, a perfectly correct and orthodox type of medieval moral theology. . . It marks the whole difference between medieval life and modern life. There was a break in history between the medieval and modern age and before that break, life was conceived as a dance, and after that time, was conceived as a race. Medieval morality was full of the idea that one thing must balance another; that each stood on one side or the other of something that was in the middle, and something that remained in the middle. There might be any amount of movement, but it was movement around this central thing, perpetually altering the attitudes, but perpetually preserving the balance. Virtues were like children going round the mulberry bush, only the mulberry bush was that burning bush which is the symbol of the Incarnation. Now since that break in history, the dance has turned into a race. That is, the dancers lose their balance and only recover it by running towards some object, or alleged object. Not an object within their circle or their possession, but an object which they do not yet posses. The flying object; the disappearing object. And as some may hold, a disappointing object. The dance is a rhythmic, a recurrent movement around a known center, while the race is a precipitating movement with an unknown goal. The latter has produced all that we call "progress", the former produced what the Medievals meant by "order." But, it was the lively order of a dance.”

To build a true community, you need to build mutual friendships, respect, and charity; in other words, you need to build communion, and real dancing can do that. People in every time and culture have realized that. Pioneers held barn-raising dances. Peasants in Poland invented the polka. Different cultures have each some unique way of folk dancing. When people celebrate life together, they dance—like David before the Ark.

It’s no secret that we need to build up our hometowns and parishes, our neighborhoods, to become true communities and not simply groups of people. Well, then, “why don’t we just dance?”