The Truth about Guys

When it comes to emotions and matters of the heart, Life suddenly becomes Very Complicated. I know, girls. I've been there.

Here's a few things I've learned along the way...no doubt I'll learn many new ones. I've a sneaking suspicion Life gets even more Complicated when it comes to the opposite sex as you get older. But here's some of the ones I've picked up so far.

Boys are very different from girls.

You'll rant and rave and burst into tears about it, but it's really better if you just accept the hopeless, unchangeable truth now.

Listening to slow love songs (and country songs) when you're feeling a bit neglected or heartbroken. Is. Always. A. Bad. Idea.

You'll probably do it anyways - because who doesn't love making themselves feel miserable? - but it's really not smart. It never makes anything better. Just makes you need a box of tissues and alllll the chocolate. So save the love songs when you're much more cheerful and full of pep and optimism.

Watching romantic movies.

See above. Sobbing through About Time or Pride and Prejudice when you're already heartbroken to begin with is just a baaaaaad idea. 

That boy that you're over the moon about, the one you're imagining waiting for you at the end of the isle on your wedding day...you know, the one that makes your stomach flip flop and makes you happy? Chances are, as much as you don't want to hear it, you probably will be thinking "What was I thinking when I thought I liked him???" next year.

It's the way of life, sweet peas. We go through many stages - and crushes - in our lives. So all these hopes, disappointments, and tears will be a thing of the past. And that's okay.

Chocolate helps. 

Always. Frozen yogurt or ice cream is excellent also.

If he asks you to dance, and you really want to, say yes. 

If he doesn't ask, ask him.

It's a dance, not a marriage proposal. (This applies to platonic relationships also - if you'd like to dance with the boy and he's not a complete stranger, he'll probably say yes. If he doesn't, remember that you have the right to decline dances too...it's a free country. Don't be deeply offended.)

Your mother really does know best. 

As much as it kills you to admit it.

When a guy says, "I have to go, but I'll talk to you later/I'll talk you later, okay?/ Ttyl!" it doesn't mean he's planning to text/call/finish the conversation later that day at a specific time. 

Nope. It's just a casual form of "Goodbye, I'm sure we'll end up bumping into one another some time and then we'll have another fascinating conversation, but 'til then, cheerio!"

I know. I know. It took me at least three months to accept this one. And to stop checking my phone. Because "he promised to text/call/talk later, so he must have something important to say! Right??"

Nope. Sadly. Remember #1? Different as nightingales and cuckoos, I'm telling you.

Run after God, not a boy - and then look around and see who is keeping up.

I'm the one who still has to be told that, even at 21...but it's so true, girls. We talk about love and families and the longing in our hearts and say "If only he liked me back", but I think we all realize deep down that we really want a good, strong man. One who is not only deeply rooted in his faith and his love for God, but is also a man who will encourage and help us on our walk of faith. I don't know about you girls, but I don't want a boy for that.

I want a man. A man of God.

 And you should too.

Wedding Bells!

Hello dear ladies! Liz here. I'm sorry for such a prolonged absence. College completely sucked the life out of me -- but I'm now back home with my family for the summer. Not too exciting; in fact, I'm writing this in order to take a break from filling out numerous job applications as I struggle to find work this summer. They make my head spin, and actually working will be much better than looking for work all day.

Anyway, I wanted to write because we have 2 weddings coming up! 2 of our own, Clare and Tess, will be married this summer. Clare's wedding is this Saturday, May 18th, and Tess' wedding is not much later, on May 25. Such exciting news! But as beautiful and joyful as weddings are, getting married is also a lot of work. With that said, please join me in praying for these two lovely women who are about to enter the married state of life. I hope they will not disappear completely from this little blog, but let us pray for them, their spouses, and the upcoming changes in their lives.

Clare and Tess: I'm praying for you, and I hope you have unimaginable blessings in the upcoming weeks. May God send His endless blessings on you and your future husbands. You are such a shining example of Catholic womanhood, especially in relationships.

First Steps for Engaged Catholic Couples

My best friend Maggie and me at her wedding in August

Two of my friends got engaged last week. It seems to be happening more and more! The next day one of them texted me, "What do I do, now??"

I remember that feeling. The realization that you have a whole wedding to plan can be a little scary and overwhelming!

I texted her back with everything I've learned about wedding planning in my six months of being engaged, and after I sent it to her, I decided to write it down. Who knows, maybe it can help a few other couples!

First Steps After Getting Engaged

1. Give yourself a week or two to let it sink in before you start planning. Just enjoy being engaged and give yourself a space of time to get used to it (and to stop staring at your ring every 30 seconds... six months later, I'm finally down to every two minutes) before you start the stressful process of planning.

2. When it's time to plan, I have three words for you: Real Simple checklist. A married friend recommended it to me and she was right; it's the absolute best. It's sensible, it's practical, and it doesn't offer a "one-size-fits-all" approach. You can even save your progress as you go (I've been doing that, and even though I'm consistently a month behind schedule, gradually everything's getting done!)

Bonus: Real Simple also has handy checklists for other aspects of wedding planning—my favorite is this list of questions to ask before hiring a photographer. Frank and I printed it and took it with us when we booked our photographer.

3. As for the nitty-gritty, you'll want to reserve the church and reception site first. That covers the planning basics, and once those are reserved, you can step back and take a little break. Along with reserving the church, pick a great priest for marriage prep. Marriage prep with a good priest is an incredible experience. Our pastor has an amazing understanding of human nature and of a married couple's dynamics, and with his help, Frank and I are learning to understand each other better and see eye-to-eye more and more.

4. There will inevitably be moments when you freak out. Last week my friend Serena reminded me of the near-meltdown I had days after getting engaged when I was overcome with the stressful thought of planning a wedding. When those moments come, remember (as Auntie Leila says) that it's just Mass and then a party. Mass and a party, you can handle that! (At least that's what I tell myself when I feel inclined to stress out. :) )

5. Along with booking your church and reception site, if you are sending paper invitations, start collecting addresses right away. Getting everyone's addresses together was the most time-consuming part of planning. My mom and Frank's mom had long lists of relatives they wanted to invite, but it took dozens of phone calls and emails to track all their addresses down. You can't start too early!

6. This really should be number one: make sure you are spending time in prayer and spiritual reading specific to the marriage vocation. Marriage is a vocation like no other, and it's all too common nowadays for couples to spend more time planning their wedding than preparing for their marriage. I think the couples who reads this blog know better, but it still helps to have suggestions. Here are some of the best readings I know to prepare yourself spiritually and psychologically:

The Catechism on Matrimony. Our pastor had us read it for marriage prep so we would understand the Church's position on marriage in its fullness. This reading is short but spectacular. I want to reread it every year and frame parts of it to put up in our home.

Three To Get Married. The joke among my set at Notre Dame was that you could tell someone had just gotten engaged when she started reading this book and carrying it around everywhere. It's a lengthy and dense book, but there's a reason it's a spiritual classic. I learned so much from this book and underlined huge chunks in almost every chapter. Another one to reread again and again.

The Four Loves. C.S. Lewis' classic on marriage, Frank and I read it for marriage prep and pulled out parts to discuss with each other and the priest. Lewis packed so much into this short little book and we learned a lot from it.

A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples. This book is like a little theology course on marriage packed into one short and very accessible volume. It's a treasure trove of sensible advice and inspiring ideas.

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride. Alice von Hildebrand's sweet, moving, and exquisite reflection on married love, with special emphasis on the early years. This book is rich in wisdom and is helpful for wives at any stage of marriage—my mom still likes to read it after 25 years. (Thanks to my friend Holly for the suggestion!)

Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love. Dr. Edward Sri breaks down John Paul II's Theology of the Body in a practical, accessible format. I have yet to read all of it, but many of my friends swear by it as a way to understand the opposite sex and the marriage vocation! (Thanks for recommending it, Stephanie!)

Catholic brides will especially enjoy the lovely website Captive the Heart, a great resource that Stephanie has put together. She has book reviews of most of the books mentioned here!

Married and engaged friends: any other suggestions for good marriage reading?

7. Finally, another stellar tip from a married friend. Whenever you start to worry about things going wrong, ask Our Lady of the Wedding Feast at Cana to watch over your wedding and make sure everything runs smoothly. From what I hear, she has quite the track record of noticing if there's a problem at the wedding and getting Jesus to resolve it... before the bride and groom ever notice a thing. Could there be a better patroness?

Well, that's everything I've learned in my first six months of being engaged. Maybe after the wedding is over, I'll come back with "Advice for Engaged Couples: Part 2."

Readers, please add your own advice and tips in the comments section!

Originally published on my personal blog.

Catholics, Women, and their Votes {Part III}

 We've read the Church's instruction to be informed and discerning citizens. We've seen some of the negative attitudes that can creep up on us during the stress of election season. Now let's take a closer look at some of the issues that directly and more specifically affect women.

Sweet patriotism

We're fans of femininity here at the Catholic Young Woman blog. Clare wrote about How to Be a Beautiful Woman. Grace keeps us up to date with modest clothing styles. Yet we also realize that true femininity--the kind that Christ calls us to--runs even deeper than the outer layer. Yes, we love our pearls and our cute dresses and our baking-in-the-kitchen-with-aprons...but we also know that femininity is about who we were created to be as women. We are made in the image and likeness of God as His daughters and we reflect Him in a unique way that no man ever can. (Just as our brothers reflect our Creator in a unique way as men--don't want any of our male readers to feel left out!) Embracing our feminine natures and our bodies is an embrace of God's design. When we reject, dismiss, or distort them...we reject, dismiss, and distort His beautiful design-- and we become a very confused and hurting society. That, my dear friends, is what is happening today. Let's look at some of those issues.

Abortion

It's been legal for almost 40 years now. I think sometimes we become passive about it and forget what really goes on in an abortion clinic. We forget the horror of babies being torn from their mother's safe womb every day, of post-abortion women depressed and suicidal, of parents encouraging their teen daughters to 'take care of' their pregnancy so no one has to find out--and the guilt all of them experience down the road. I just took a four-day course on training to volunteer for the crisis pregnancy center. Stat after study after stat showed that abortion not only hurts--kills--babies, but also the WOMEN who choose the abortion. Depression, guilt, suicide, as well as a host of physical symptoms and risk--including infertility and cancer--can and do result from abortions. The pro-life movement cares not only about the future generations of children killed in the womb every day--but also about the current generation of women being lied to and led to believe that this one 'choice' will not have devastating consequences.

My brothers found this great bumper sticker

Obamacare

You've all heard about the Affordable Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare. This act contains some seriously offensive laws that will change healthcare as we know it. Honestly, girls, I'm worried about the implementation of this law if it is not revoked and if Obama is not pushed from office. Two of the main things that concern this Registered Nurse are:

-the Human Health and Services Mandate that all employers must provide insurance coverage for contraception, sterilization, and abortions. Obamacare itself will cover these as well for anyone insured under the government healthcare plan as well. These three medical treatments (if we can even call them such) are COMPLETELY against Catholic teaching and God's plan for love and sex and life. And they degrade women by acting as if fertility is a disease, or pregnancy a punishment, rather than beautiful aspects of womanhood. Women are treated as sex objects--for pleasure without consequences--when their reproductive system is viewed as a hindrance. We should be indignant at the thought of any of our tax money being used for these treatments that encourage such attitudes.

-the emphasis on Palliative Care. Palliative Care is a healthcare term for comfort care for the dying. In and of itself, it's a great concept and there still are many times palliative care is not only beneficial in a physical sense, but also a beautiful work of mercy. HOWEVER--and you need to understand this--the euthanasia movement has taken hold of this term and run wild. Be wary of anything under the umbrella of palliative care. Ezekiel Emanuel, PhD, an advisor to the Obama administration on healthcare reform wrote that "services provided to individuals who are irreversibly prevented from being or becoming participating citizens are not basic and should not be guaranteed. An obvious example is not guaranteeing health services to patients with dementia." The focus in palliative care is often on the phrase "Quality of Life." The danger in that is when people start to make their own definitions of what determines quality or lack thereof (your Down Syndrome sister, your grandmother with Alzheimer's, and so on). EVERY life has quality in God's eyes-- no matter how 'useful' they are to society. For more on this topic, check out this article from Celebrate Life magazine.

Same-Sex 'Marriage'

The Church loves homosexuals.

Let me say it again. The Church loves homosexuals. It also loves heterosexuals. The Church--and God, for that matter--loves all His children. I love the way the Catechism talks about this topic:

The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition. (CCC 2358)

But even though those with this inclination should not be discriminated against, neither does that mean they have a right to marriage--or even homosexual acts. Homosexual acts are contrary not only to the Bible, Divine Law, and the Church, but also to the natural law itself. They violate the very nature of sex and God's plan for it (to be life-giving/procreative and love-giving/unitive).

Marriage is a union between one man and one woman. It always has been, and always will be. It was defined by God from the very beginning of Creation. We cannot change that definition out of compassion for those who struggle with homosexual tendencies.

Ladies, some of you are married or discerning marriage. The gay marriage debate affects your vocation and your children. When our culture not only begins to accept this distortion of nature and God's laws but to embrace it and fight for it, the family as we know it is threatened. Your children's friends may have two moms or two dads. You may be viewed as judgmental or narrow-minded, but we must show the world the beauty of Christ's truth by our words, our actions, and by our votes. It's up to us to vote for candidates who believe in, support, and protect traditional marriage.

Hanging out at the Romney rally

Final thoughts: There are many other issues such as education, immigration, and the economy that are important when determining worthy political candidates. In a previous comment, it was mentioned that we must look at all the issues and not focus in on one. I totally agree--I also agree that we should prioritize those same issues., and that prioritizing does not make one a single-issue voter. The right to life, God's definition of marriage, and the Church's teachings on sex/love/contraception are all crucial issues in American culture today, so I chose to share information on these today. Please feel free to comment with other issues you are concerned about, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

A Little Announcement

Ladies, I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to tell you, but guess what happened over the weekend...

I got engaged!

My boyfriend Frank proposed very romantically and I accepted very happily.

If you'd like more details, feel free to check out my personal blog. Pictures will be up soon!

Why I Date

Clare wrote a post last month called "Why I Don't Date," offering some very sensible reasons to avoid the dating scene. Her post gave me pause, however, because, you see, I do date. I went on my first date when I was 17 years old and have gone on dates with some regularity ever since. Even if my relationship with a particular guy doesn't work out, I genuinely enjoy the dating experience, and I think that dating is a healthy activity for the average Catholic young woman to engage in. So, with Clare's permission to open up the floor for discussion, here are my reasons for Why I Do Date:

1. Because I'm in my 20s and out of college. Clare had a very good point when she said that the phenomenon of preteens dating is silly and misguided. Similarly, there isn't a whole lot of dating on college campuses, no matter where you go (although there is some). But in the adult, post-college world, everyone dates. It's pretty much what people do. You might meet the occasional person who prefers "courting" to "dating," but in practice, as adults living away from our parents, the difference between the two is negligible. Going on dates is the most common way to get to know a guy and start a romantic relationship. Which brings me to my next point...

2. Because it's a good way to get to know a guy. It's certainly important to get to know a guy in the context of his family, and a guy's friends are excellent indicators of the kind of man he is. But think about it - if you end up marrying this guy, you're going to be spending an awful lot of time alone with him for the rest of your life. Better make sure you get along just the two of you. Besides, people act very differently in a group setting than they do one-on-one. A guy might be the life of a party with his friends, but pays little attention to you in private. Similarly, a guy who is shy in a group may be kind, sweet and sincere one-on-one. A relationship is ultimately about just the two of you, not about his mom's or your best friend's opinion, and it's important to acknowledge this by spending time together privately.

3. Honestly, because it's fun! I love the whole experience of going on a date. You get all dressed up and pretty, you get excited butterflies in your stomach, you go out to dinner, and you do something enjoyable with a kind, cute man. However, this comes with a caveat: As fun as dating may be, you don't want to lead a guy on. Saying "yes" to a date should be because you really like the guy and want to get to know him better. It's probably not a good idea to go on a date "just for fun!" - unless the guy is on the same page and is ok with that approach. Ideally, of course, you're already good friends with a guy before dating him. It would be awful to go out with a guy you don't know very well only to discover that he's actually not a gentleman at all. So yes, it's fun, but one must be cautious and mindful of the guy's feelings.

* * *

So you see, there are also a few warnings that should go along with dating. After all, as with all matters of the heart, there is the danger that things could go wrong. There are certainly good reasons to choose not to date, and with that in mind, here are some things I've learned from my own experiences and those of my friends to make dating a better, happier, holier experience for everyone.

1. Be awfully wary of physical intimacy. As Catholic young women, we've been raised to understand the importance of chastity. Our parents and teachers taught us this stuff for a reason, and they were 100% right. I personally think that, as far as physical intimacy is concerned, you can't move slowly enough.

2. Remember emotional modesty too. As women, we are more attracted by what we hear from a guy than how he looks. If you find start confiding all your secrets and your life story to a guy, and he proves a sympathetic ear, you will probably end up falling for him. Emotional boundaries are as important as physical ones, and people don't talk about this nearly enough, in my opinion. Be private and discreet. If you possibly can, don't confide in a guy friend (even if you think you could never fall for him); that's what girl friends are for. Save the emotional unveiling for marriage. I wish someone had impressed this upon me at an earlier age.

3. Don't expect to marry a guy you date in your teens. Unless you're more mature than most girls, you probably won't marry your high school sweetheart. Sorry, I know, nobody wants to hear this. I sure didn't. But based on the experiences of almost everybody I know, teenage relationships don't have a tendency to last. So I think, if you can avoid it, it's a good idea not to date in high school. Plenty of time for that later, in college and after college.

4. There's no one-size-fits-all for romantic relationships. I think you really have to take these things on a guy-by-guy basis. One guy might want to go on 3 or 4 casual dates before considering it an official relationship. Another might ask you to be his girlfriend before even going on a single date! Still another might pay for your dinner but not consider it a date (weird, right? But it happens). So I guess all you can really do is kind of go with the flow and let him take the lead.

What do you think? As a Catholic Young Woman, do you go on dates, or do you prefer "courting," or some other model? Why or why not? I would love to hear your opinions!