The Compleat Gentleman

Can I say how refreshing it is to read instructions on how to be a gentleman actually coming from a man? Maybe I just move in the wrong circles, but whenever I come across someone talking about what makes a gentleman, it's always a woman. And guess what she's specifically talking about? More often than not, what he can do for her. A gentleman opens doors for ladies (me), he carries a lady's (my) bag, he gives a lady (me) a hand jumping over fallen trees on a hike, and so on. I've been guilty of this kind of emphasis in the past myself.

Of course a true gentleman will behave with courtesy to a lady. But, as my brother commented as I was discussing this with him: "When women talk about a 'gentleman' they always seem to focus so much on the 'gentle' part that they forget there's also 'man' in that word."

In his book The Compleat Gentleman, Brad Miner has a section devoted to the Lover aspect of a gentleman's character, but he also talks about the Warrior. The man who believes in something, and not only believes in it, but is willing to fight and die for it. A gentleman should have principles that he is willing to defend to the last, and he should educate himself and train himself physically to use his intelligence and strength for good. The Warrior is not barbarian, but he does have a streak of violence in him. As a gentleman, he knows when and how it ought to be exerted to defend the right.

As you can see, it's a book on how to be a gentleman written by a man, which means that it's more entire in its presentation. In other words, it's written by someone who really does know what he's talking about, because he's a he.

Miner presents two other aspects of the gentleman: the Lover and the Monk. The Lover is generally what women go over when they're talking about what a gentleman should be. The Monk aspect I found particularly interesting. A gentleman should have those qualities of wisdom, that self-control, and the ability to be silent.

My favourite chapter is probably the last, titled "The Art of Sprezzatura." Here Miner discusses the restraint that a gentleman should exercise. This restraint is contrary to modern society, particularly American society, where openness is considered a chief virtue. Of course a gentleman should be open to an extent, but his openness is actually a part of his restraint. Because he knows how to keep his mouth shut, he is more open to others, because they trust him to keep their confidence.

So why recommend a book on 'how to be a gentleman' to young women? Because I think it issues us a challenge to rethink our notions of what makes a gentleman, and get a little insight on what men think men should be. It also asks us to reconsider what exactly it is we want in a man when the time comes for us to get married. We women have a tendency to look at a fellow's manners, his clothes, and other exteriors (again, I've been guilty of this in the past). Here's an opportunity to take a look at the heart, mind, and soul of a man.

What is a true gentleman? We're familiar with our own definitions; here's a man's definition of that elusive fellow:

A true gentleman - a chivalrous man - is just a bit more savage than most people imagine. The refinements associated with "gentleman" - such things as adroit banter, superb manners, elegant clothes, and the ability to make a decent dry Martini - are wonderful qualities in a man, but any cad may master them. This is the dark side of the Castiglione heritage. Our man moves smooth as a snake through life, simply begging you to call him a gent. He's irresistible - until you get to know him. Then, unless he is also chivalrous, you find he's actually repellent. His fine speech comes from news summaries and other conversations and not from scholarship and experience. His manners are mere legalism and don't spring from a true consideration of others. The suit he's wearing may come from the finest tailor, but he came to the tailor because the tailor is trendy. And that Martini - well, let's just say it offers him no pleasure at all unless it brings him praise from you. If you don't tell him how absolutely fabulous he is, he'll have too many Martinis and show himself an ugly drunk. You realize that he'll crack under stress and has no true honor or courage, that given a chance - and he'll get it - he'll gossip about you the second you leave the room. The man has not a shred of true sprezzatura.

To hell with him. There are men who lack education but care deeply about ideas; men who haven't a clue which is the correct fork but are almost instinctively kind; men whose clothes are off the rack but always carefully chosen and lovingly cared for; men who prefer beer. This sort of man doesn't draw attention to himself; he can hold his liquor and his temper, and when the chips are down he can subdue the drunken, loudmouthed cad - with his words or his fists. As the scoundrel flees to save his own scales, our hero rushes into the burning building to save others. The first fellow, breathless with fright, is only too happy to grant an interview to Eyewitness News. The chivalrous man goes quietly about his business. Indeed, he shuns publicity, believing that virtue is its own reward; it does not depend upon recognition for fulfillment.

--- Brad Miner
"The Compleat Gentleman"