From My Journal

I've done one of these posts before, where I share some snippets from my journals. Not that I'm going to be baring my innermost secrets on here, but as I've been reading through some old entries, I'm surprised at the profundity of my own entries! This time, I want to share some more recent excerpts. The past year has definitely not been an easy one for me, and I've been searching and searching for God's will. You've probably guessed based on my "Content in Christ" series that I've started to glimpse that. So perhaps mine might be a story of keeping faith even during times of trial. 

Days of most wonderful happiness -- tinged with worry. A road-block that sends my head whirring. I will always be uncertain whether I've made the right choices, but they need to be made. On Tuesday, I found out I was accepted to college.... Today, I learned our financial aid package is $8000 less than we anticipated.... The wonderful, delirious feeling of getting into such a great school...I suppose wherever I go, I'll always be anxious, figuring out how to pay for it. God, what is Your plan? --3 Feb 2012

I'm reminded of St. Therese. "Story of a Soul" is one of my most favorite books. In a recent video chat with Clare, who is absolutely even more dear and lovely "in person," we discussed how wonderful it would be to read St. Therese's words in the original French. Anyway, Therese remarked often about her trials and sufferings, and when I first read through the book, I kept thinking, "why, these aren't really trials at all -- there are hundreds of individuals who suffered more than she!" But now, I clearly see the wisdom in her writing. Just because a certain trial or suffering doesn't seem like a lot does not mean it is any easier to bear. 

God has me right where He wants me. I'm not meant to love [a certain young man] in that way, and I think I finally see that. That doesn't make my life any less hard -- but I can appreciate the simple beauty, and continue to pray that [he] can feel and experience the same joy and thrill of receiving Jesus as I do. Prayer works miracles. I've witnessed a small one, and I would have missed it if I wasn't looking. Considering how All-Powerful God is, we realize our nothingness. He could will us gone in an instant. But He doesn't, because He loves us. And this thought puts everything into perspective.I pray that Jesus may work through my pen, my fingers, my mouth, and all my actions. For there is no greater, more steadfast, intimate, stronger love than that which the Father offers us. It is way better than passing infatuations -- and opens our eyes to blessings, rather than emphasizing curses.  --14 May 2012

Faith isn't about feelings.... Thank you Jesus for working through this pen -- for speaking to me as I record these thoughts, hopes, and worries. It has proved such a blessing. I know You have my best interest at heart, because You loved me into existence. Call me, even when I don't listen. Let me scream my love for You. Grant me an unquenchable thirst so I will run to Your Love, and keep my eyes on You. Always. Especially in times of doubt. You are bigger than my worries and fears. --22 July 2012

I was reflecting earlier this week that sometimes, I can hardly believe I wrote the words in my journal. I was reading over the entry from 14 May, and had this sort of revelation almost that it wasn't me writing just then, but God. He was writing through me....not like divine inspiration in the Scriptures or anything, but leading me to write what I would need to hear, both then, and later down the road. 

So even though I only have a total of about six entries since last October, I've been blessed by them. Even in those depressing and blue times, there's always a window out. I feel that reading over my sorrows and struggles from the other end is like looking at the pink sky that appears after an evening thunderstorm. The clouds and rain clear away, and the thunder grows more and more distant. But the sun is still there behind the clouds, and it colors them in such a glorious masterpiece. This is God's handiwork.