To Set the World Ablaze

Who do I want to be? 

I'm asking myself this question on this night. And something inside me prompted me to write, not quite knowing what I'm going to say.

It started with this post from a recently discovered blog with a similar mission to ours here.

Recently, I have been gracefully blown away by the realization that my Catholic twenty-something friends and peers are changing the world.  They are young, vibrant, radiant people in love with God, who want to share that love with others through their various vocations.  

So begins the article. And before getting any further than these opening sentences, I stopped. This describes my goal in life. Right here.

For the past several weeks I've been in a sort of mental and spiritual slump. Vacation is drawing to a close and I have the difficult task of another semester's worth of work ahead of me. Last semester, I began budding out into volunteer work with my parish, particular with the high school ministry program. And I've met some great people. But I've felt somewhat torn between my secular college life and my new ministry work. I haven't quite straightened out my priorities, where I want to spread my efforts.

In the last few years I've begun to think seriously about my vocation, specifically that of marriage -- though I'm not quite sure that is where God is calling me just yet. However, with that mindset, I've finally realized I've been keeping on hold, waiting. As if, I'll know that I'm called to marriage by the appearance of my knight in shining armor. That when I meet him I'll know that God wants me to marry and begin a family and live happily ever after. So I've held my breath with almost every guy I've met, analyzing, wondering if this is the one. Even clinging a little too tightly to some of them, waiting just a little too long, hoping just a little too much.

But I cannot live my life on hold! I do not have a man waiting for me. I'd been letting the prospect of marriage shape my whole future, when I haven't even known for sure that marriage is my vocation in this life. I've held back in my ambitions after college, because a career would not be entirely practical for a married woman with children. I've fretted and worried that I need to get more experience that would be useful in homemaking, not studying those things that are my passion -- particularly science and music. I've come up with loose plans for the directions I may go after graduating in a year and a half, but always keeping the plan of marriage in the back of my mind.

And it's suffocating me: I cannot live my life on hold. If I do, however will I be able to share my love of God with others through my vocation? However will I truly blossom? How can I minister to the kids in my parish when I'm worried about other young men in my life, wondering what they think of me, and fretting over personal matters? How can I discover what I'm truly passionate about in this education that I am so lucky to receive? How can I come to know and love God truly, for the merciful, compassionate, and generous Father that He is, when I'm always worried about where He will send me, and how to make my own desires fit into His Will?

It is impossible. 

I've been hiding a lot over my vacation. I haven't been productive because I've been relishing the relaxation a little too much. I haven't wanted to think about real life and all my worries, so I've spent entirely too much time online (*ahem*) watching pointless TV shows and reading frivolous stories. I've wanted to feed my desires that I haven't yet been able to achieve.

But tonight, I've awakened something in my heart. I desire companionship, human comfort, God's love. And I will not get all of those things if my life is on hold, constantly waiting and doing nothing. No. I must live. I must fly. I must find my passions, and through them, discover an even deeper and stronger love for my God. He will allow me to blossom into His beautiful creation if I do so, if I let Him lead, and if I become radiant with His Joy.

If there is a man for me, so be it. He will come even if I stop pining over the would-be's in my life. He will come especially because I stop pining.

And so I will make mistakes. I'll make discoveries. I'll love God more than anything. I'll get off my lazy bum and try to accomplish something worthwhile, something which will help my endeavors (though I will admit that productivity is the largest hurdle to overcome).

I think that is why I so desperately wanted to write this down. To remind myself that I am not in a slump; that I do have passion remaining in me. That I do trust God's plan. That I do have desires, but I don't want them to control me.

If I have one thing as a New Year's Resolution, it is to be in more control over my life. I don't want my academic schedule to control me until I suffocate. Instead I want to make smart choices about how I spend my time and what I do to learn and discover every day. But, I want to be in control of my life by letting God control, and yielding to His will. Only then will my plans actually work because they will be His plans. In my humility I will blossom.

I am a Catholic twenty-something, and I can set the world ablaze with God's love.