Lord, if this is really what you want me to be doing, then why is it so hard?
But, as usual, almost simultaneously with telling me no, God sends something into my life to let me know that He's still there and that He's still looking out for me. This time it was the poignant words of a good friend and blogger:
Beyond this moment in its grit and glory. Beyond the hopes on the horizon. Beyond the fears too.
Beyond are the stars in the vastness of the night sky. Beyond, the opposite extreme of beyond, is the perfection of a scarlet pimpernel nestled into the leaves and grasses at the side of a path. It’s all beyond anything I can create … or could create in a million years. It’s beyond anything I could imagine! And yet, for God, it’s within – within His ability as a Creator. Within His ability as a Dreamer of Dreams.
When it comes to asking God for something that's good for you, "no" is never simply "no." God is very fond of saying "yes." But because He knows us better than we know ourselves, and because He so passionately wants us to have the good things that we want too, sometimes He says: "Wait. I want something truly beautiful and wonderful for you, and this is not the way. I have something so much better in store for you, if you'll be patient and trust Me."
He is the Dreamer of Dreams. He created me, with my capacity to dream, and He knows all of them. Why should I think that His dreams aren't bigger than mine? They are. His dreams for me are beyond what I could ever imagine. Just because things don't go how I expected and hoped doesn't mean that they aren't going to go well... amazingly well, in fact.
With God, a "no" usually means: "Hold on tight, because something truly extraordinary and unexpected is headed your way!"
I'm holding on.